Not Okay
by Mirajane Scarlet
Summary: Lexie knew this wasn't right. Mark was allowed to marry someone else, he wasn't allowed to die. Especially not here, in the middle of nowhere for no reason. That was not okay. AU version of the S8 finale. Rated T for some swearing.
1. Falling Out Of The Sky

_A/N: So... pretty much writing this for SKaylor95. :) And for anybody else who needs a story where Lexie lives. And thanks to idealskeptic for betaing this for me! _

**Chapter One: Falling Out Of The Sky**

The first thing I noticed wasn't so much a thing as it was a feeling. There was a horrible, terrible, downright nasty pounding in my head. I wasn't sure why at first, but then I remembered. The plane had crashed. I'd never been in a plane crash before so I couldn't say I know anything about it but it was very, well, it was very odd. One second, we were fine. We were flying and it was fine except that I was really, really nervous. I was worried we would crash and wouldn't you just know it, we crashed! We were in the air, suspended in this tiny metal thing and then the next thing you know, it's going down. Everybody started screaming. Well, everybody except for Mark. He just turned and started staring straight at me. He didn't say anything, he just stared. Not that I'd have heard it if he had said anything because of all the screaming. And then the plane split in two and out of the corner of my eye I saw Derek go flying out of what previously had been the back of the plane and Cristina started screaming _so_ loudly and then... this. This pain in my head. Oh, god, what if...

Quickly and without thinking I brought my hand to my head, feeling for any sort of obvious, crazy plane-crash related head injury, but all I found was a bit of blood that had trickled down the side of my face and dried. I tried, very hard, not to think about all the terrible, horrible things that having a headache after falling out of the sky could mean and I bit my lip and finally opened my eyes. And immediately closed them. It was bright. It was way too damn bright. I waited a few seconds and tried again. The light still bothered my eyes, but I adjusted. I stretched out my arms, then my legs, then my fingers and my toes. Everything seemed to be in decent, if completely sore, working order. Of course, that didn't mean there weren't any injuries, just that there weren't any that were obvious.

Carefully, I sat up. It hurt like few things in my life ever have, but well, it could have been a whole hell of a lot worse, right? I started looking around and had to bite my lip to stop from screaming. I knew the plane had crashed, remembered it happening and yet... this, seeing it, seeing the aftermath of it was so much worse. I had landed a few feet behind a tree that had a giant chunk of plane wedged in its' trunk. There were parts of the plane everywhere. Everywhere. Parts of the forest we'd landed in looked completely normal and other parts looked like they'd been stomped on by some mad, ravenous, giant creature. Or, you know, a plane. I sucked in a deep breath. So this was what a plane crash looked like.

Oh, god.

If this was what the plane looked like, what had happened to everybody who was on it? What if... Oh, god, what if...

I was just about to start screaming when somebody else beat me to it.

"Lexie! Derek! Cristina! Oh, for the love of god, please! Answer me! Somebody! Damn it! Derek!" Meredith. I didn't know she was capable of being that loud.

"Over here! I'm over here!" I shouted, only thinking after I'd said it that she would have no idea where over here was.

"Lexie?" She sounded so hopeful that I actually started to cry. I got to my feet, wobbled for a second and nearly threw up but ultimately remained standing.

"Hi!" Oh, god, that sounded dumb. That was dumb, wasn't it?

"Where are you?" she called out. She sounded panicky again.

I was starting to feel panicky too. I could hear her, but I couldn't see her. "Where are you? Are you stuck? Are you..." I didn't finish my sentence. I didn't want to ask her if she was injured. I didn't want to know. I wanted to just pretend she was fine, she just couldn't find me.

"I'm not stuck! I just... where the hell are you?" And then, finally, she came into view. She was only about fifty feet away.

"Meredith!" I started running towards her and she started running towards me, or rather limping towards me. It felt like forever but when we finally reached each other we didn't say anything. We hugged each other and half fell, half sank to the ground and started to sob. Not just crying, but sobbing. Loud, gasping sobs with faces covered in tears and snot. It was not pretty. But I can't say I cared. My sister was alive and she was okay. Well, she was mostly okay.

We sat there crying, not moving for I don't know how long. I didn't want to let go but I figured we should probably start looking for the others. "Have you... found... anyone... else?" I snuffled and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my jacket. We let go of each other and sat there for a moment. I didn't want to talk about it and I knew she didn't either, but we both knew we had to.

"No," Meredith shook her head. "No. I was so afraid..."

"That you were the only one left alive? Yeah, me too."

She nodded. "But they have to be okay, right? We have to act like they're alive until we find out otherwise because..." She sniffled like she was going to start crying again.

I put a hand on her shoulder. "They'll be okay. We'll find them and they'll be okay." I got up and I held a hand out to her and she took it. She nodded slowly. I had no idea where it was coming from, but apparently, of the two of us, I was going to be the brave one. Go figure.

"So what do we..." Meredith started, I assume to say "what do we do now?" but then somebody started screaming. Just screaming. Really loudly.

"I guess we follow that." The noise was coming from somewhere to the east, so we went that way. Meredith leaned on my shoulder and sort of hopped along, but we weren't getting anywhere fast, especially not in sneakers that were intended to be worn indoors, not out in the middle of a wet, leafy forest.

"We have got to get you a crutch or something," I grumbled as we hobbled along. Whoever was screaming kept on screaming like they were being murdered. Or like they were dying. Which, horrifyingly, was entirely possible.

Meredith just nodded. She looked towards the screaming and all the color drained from her face. The closer we got, the better we were able to hear it. I thought it sounded like a woman was screaming, but it was hard to tell.

"Cristina?" I asked.

She gulped. "Cristina."

I couldn't muster up enough courage to say that it wasn't because maybe it was but I hoped it wasn't. Everybody knew how close Meredith and Cristina were. If it was Cristina and she was the one screaming like that...

As we got closer to the noise, we could see a clearing with a gigantic tree - I have no idea about trees, all I know is it was big and leafy - in the middle of it. Then the screaming stopped. And I'm almost certain that next to me, Meredith stopped breathing. There was a plane seat, and someone in it, caught in the big branches of the huge tree.

We stopped walking and for a second, I wasn't sure what to do. I looked over at her and she looked more terrified than I'd ever seen her. Her skin, which was pretty pale in the first place, was roughly about the color of paper. Her lips were pursed together so tightly they almost weren't pink anymore. So I did the only thing I could think of. I walked a few feet deeper into the forest, found a big, heavy stick and handed it to her. She was so stunned that she didn't seem to know what exactly I was handing her a stick for. I propped it under her arm and all she did was nod. "Stay here," I said softly. Again, she just nodded.

I crept forward, terrified. As I got closer, I breathed a sigh of relief. The person in the seat wasn't anyone I knew. I could vaguely remember that she was the stewardess, but that was about it. I felt horrible. I knew this woman must have had friends, family, pets maybe even. She had people that loved her. She had people who would be torn apart by this having happened to her. But... she wasn't anyone I knew. And right now, that beat out any feelings of sadness I had for this woman. "I'm sorry." I said aloud. I don't really know if I was saying it to her, the woman whose name I would probably never know, but I said it anyway. I walked closer to the tree to get a better look but a voice, Dr. Robbins I think, called out from somewhere behind the tree, "Hello?"

"Dr. Robbins? It's Lexie Grey. Are you alright?"

She walked out from behind the large tree and immediately smiled at me. "I'm fine. I'll be covered in bruises, but no more than Karev is going to be when we get back and I kick his ass."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Good idea. Maybe I'll help you with that."

She smiled, then frowned. She looked towards the tree and very soberly she said, "She's dead."

I looked at the previously screaming woman and felt even worse for my previous thoughts. "Oh."

Dr. Robbins wiped a hand across her forehead and said, "Have you found anyone else?"

Oh, crap. Meredith. She was still standing back there. Still thinking the person in the tree was probably Cristina.

Without answering, I turned and ran.

Dr. Robbins followed, yelling, "Hey! Hey! Have you found anyone else? Hey!" I didn't pay much attention. She was following, she'd see soon enough.

Finally, I reached where I'd left Meredith. It was a lot further back than I'd remembered. But she wasn't there. I was sure this was where I'd left her and now she was gone. I shook my head. No. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. This was not allowed to happen. She was not allowed to be lost. Not now. Not after I'd only just found her.

"Help!"

I spun around in circles, searching for where the sound had come from. That had been her, hadn't it?

"Oh, come on!" Dr. Robbins grabbed my arm and started dragging me through the forest. We crashed through the bushes at an alarming rate and seconds later found not just Meredith, but Cristina as well.

Cristina was slumped against a tree and Meredith was kneeling next to her. "Cristina, Cristina! I know you can hear me. Get up."

Dr. Robbins dropped my hand and moved in closer. I just stood there. Cristina looked... funny. Not injured, just... odd. She had her eyes forcefully shut tight and she had her arms crossed tightly across her chest, like she was having to hold herself together.

"Cristina! Cristina! Stop messing around." Meredith was starting to get panicky again.

"Grey!" I snapped to attention, but felt silly a second later when I realized Dr. Robbins meant Meredith, not me. "Calm down. Look at her. She's fine. Right, Cristina?"

Cristina didn't say anything. She squeezed her eyes shut tighter and squished up her face and didn't say anything.

Dr. Robbins elbowed Meredith out of the way and took a closer look at Cristina. "You know," she said in a very forcefully calm tone, "Dr. Yang, this would be a lot easier if you'd just open your eyes and talk to us." Dr. Robbins started poking and prodding at Cristina, checking her for injuries.

"She's fine! She's just faking because she doesn't want to deal with anything. Aren't you?" Meredith was screaming now. It was like the more people we found, the more she freaked out.

Which, when I stopped to think about it, made sense since we still hadn't found the one person I know she wanted to find more than anybody else. Derek.

I carefully, slowly walked towards her. "It's okay, Mer. It's okay. We'll find him. Okay? We'll find him. It'll be okay."

She didn't say anything so I put a hand on her shoulder. She reached up and squeezed it.

"It'll all be okay," I said again, this time trying to comfort not just her, but myself. We hadn't found Mark yet either. I'd been trying really hard not to think about that, not to let all the horrible, awful possible scenarios pass through my head. And it wasn't because he had been staring at me on the plane. I'd been trying not to think about that either, but really, I didn't care. So long as he was alive. That was all that mattered. If he was alive he could marry Julia, he could have babies with her, he could move away and never see me again. I could handle that. I'd hate it and I'd cry and probably gain ten pounds from eating nothing but junk food and doing nothing but sitting on my ass all day, watching sappy movies. But I'd survive. If he was dead, if he was dead I don't think I'd ever be okay. Not really. He wasn't allowed to be dead. It wasn't okay.

"It doesn't matter," Cristina said in a very matter-of-fact sort of way. "It doesn't matter because this is all a dream. I'm going to wake up and I'm going to find my jackass of a husband and I'm going to kiss him and tell him that I'm staying."

"Wait, what?" Meredith made a face. Of course she did. We were in the middle of nowhere, we hadn't found Derek or Mark yet, or the pilot, and that caught her attention.

That was pretty much Cristina's response. "What?" She got to her feet, unintentionally knocking over Dr. Robbins, and stalked over to Meredith. "We don't know where we are, there's no food and we've been stuck here for hours and that's what you're concerned about?"

"Hours?" The rest of us pretty much all said the same thing at the same time. I didn't know about anyone else, but I hadn't woken up all that long ago. It hadn't really occurred to me that there could have been a long period of time between when the plane crashed and when I had woken up.

"Yes, hours. I searched for you for hours." I couldn't help but notice how when Cristina said 'you' she pointedly meant Meredith. And probably only Meredith.

"Oh," Meredith said softy. She ducked her head, looking away from Cristina.

"Uh-huh." Cristina smiled smugly.

"Well, now that we're done with that," said Dr. Robbins in that same forced calm tone, "How about we go and find the others?"

_A/N: You know, writing this I realized that I don't think Lexie and Arizona have ever had many scenes together._

_And here's a teaser for the next chapter!_

_He closed his eyes for a moment and I panicked all over again. I was about to start screaming when he opened them. "Lexie," he said again. _

_"What? What? Anything, just..." I gulped, trying to remember that breathing was a thing I should keep doing. "What?" _

_"I'm not going to marry anyone else, okay?"_

_What? "Whatever, okay? Just don't talk. Just..." I looked over at Derek and opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I just stared at him. And he stared back. We both knew that there wasn't anything we could do. _


	2. No Reason, No Reason At All

_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews and alerts for this fic! I hope you like this chapter. And thanks to idealskeptic for being the best beta ever and SKaylor95 for helping with the plot stuff! Also, a good song for this chapter is "Beauty of Uncertainty" by KT Tunstall. Also, this chapter has some swearing in it, just so you know. That's why this fic is rated T. For swearing. Aaand lastly I was going to post this on May 30th, but my account got locked until June 2nd because the list of alternate season eight endings __called "Decisions, Decisions"_ that I posted that started this fic was a list and that's not allowed and blah, blah, blah. But if you read that before it got deleted, guess which option this is! I'm not going to tell you. :) But I will tell you that it was one people voted for._  
_

**Chapter Two: No Reason, No Reason At All**

"I don't want to go anywhere." Cristina pouted like a little kid, she made the face and everything.

"That's nice and all, but you don't have a choice, we're going." Meredith narrowed her eyes and stood up. She was about to start walking, I think expecting that if she got up and went that Cristina would follow, but as soon as she took a step with her bad leg she yelped.

"You can't go anywhere." I walked out in front of her in an attempt to physically prevent her from going.

"I'm fine," she muttered. But she wasn't. She took another step forward and winced.

"You need to rest."

"Do not." She stared at me and for a second I worried she was going to hit me to get me to move.

"Yes, you do," said Dr. Robbins. "We'll go. You stay."

"See? It's already been decided. I don't have to go anywhere." Cristina gave this big, bright smile. That smile coming from her in any situation would have been uncomfortable. Now it was just spooky.

Meredith made a noise that sounded something like a growl and walked the few steps back to Cristina. She sat down delicately and flicked Cristina on the ear.

Cristina turned to look at her, completely shocked. "Did you just flick me?"

Meredith flicked her again. "I will flick you till you move."

"But not till we get back, right?" I said, trying to make my voice sound light and calm.

Meredith glared at me, so I guess it didn't work that well.

"Come on," Dr. Robbins grabbed my arm and started leading me away, "let's go before they both lose it."

Before we got too far away to see them anymore, I saw Meredith flick Cristina's ear one more time.

We walked out past the tree with the dead stewardess in it. I wondered if when we were rescued they'd have some way of getting her down from there. They had to get her down from there, right? Or maybe they'd come back for her later. They had to get here down but it wasn't like she was going anywhere.

But either way, we had to be rescued. They would have already been looking for us, I knew that much. It was just a question of how long it would take them to find us. Considering it had already been a few hours and we never reached our destination, they had to be looking for us by now. They had to, right?

I said as much. "They're looking for us, right?"

Dr. Robbins stopped dead in her tracks. She looked at me like it hadn't occurred to her either way. "Of course they are, Lexie."

And we kept walking.

Neither of us said anything for what felt like a very long time so I asked a question. "You're married, right?"

"Yeah."

That was it. One word. No details. I wondered if she thought I was asking like maybe I didn't know. So I asked another question.

"What's it like?" It was a dumb question, I know. But it was all I could think of. Anything to get rid of the pervasive silence of the forest. It was creeping me out.

"I'm really, really glad that my wife wasn't on the plane. I'm glad she isn't here right now. If everyone had died but me I'd be okay with that because she wasn't on the plane." She paused a moment, like she was considering something. "Does that make me a bad person?"

"Uhhh..." I opened my mouth intending for words to come out, but I couldn't exactly find any. What kind of a question was that? Where had that come from? Was that what she had been thinking about this whole time? "Uh... You know, Dr. Robbins, I really don't know."

"Please just call me Arizona. This is not a situation that calls for formality. But back to my question, what if you were married? What would you think then?"

I thought about it for a moment. What if I was married? Would I feel the same? I thought about that for a moment and answered as honestly as I could.

"I have no idea. I'm probably not going to get married. So I don't know." I probably wasn't going to get married not because I had no interest in it but because I just couldn't see marrying anyone other than Mark. I wasn't saying I'd never, ever get over him, but I couldn't see loving anyone else enough to want to marry them. But I wasn't about to tell her that.

"What if Meredith wasn't on the plane?" She paused a moment, then added, "What if Mark wasn't on the plane?"

I blushed red like a tomato the second she asked me that. I didn't want to answer that. And it really wasn't any of her business. "Umm... well..." How did she know, anyway? There was no one around when I'd spilled my guts to him. Unless... oh, god, had he gone around telling people what I'd said?

"Don't worry." She smiled. "He didn't mention it. But you know what that hospital is like. The second anything interesting happens everybody knows about it."

"That doesn't make me feel any better."

She shrugged and neither of us said anything for a long time. Honestly, with questions like that, maybe the silence was better after all.

After walking a ways we both decided that we'd probably cover more ground if we split up. We wouldn't go too far, and we'd call out every few minutes so we knew the other person was still within running and shouting distance.

I found myself wandering aimlessly through the forest and I was starting to think that maybe they wouldn't have gotten this far from where everyone else had been. But then it wasn't exactly like I had any idea of where exactly they'd landed, either. The more I thought about it I realized just how out of my element I was. I didn't know anything about planes. I didn't know anything about how far apart we all could have landed. I didn't know anything about how this could have happened. I knew how to cut people open. I didn't know anything about how to survive in the wilderness.

"Arizona?" I called out. It'd been a few minutes since I'd called out and it was probably about time.

"Lexie!" she called back. She sounded excited. "Lexie! Come quick! I found somebody!"

I started running towards the sound of her voice, she wasn't too far away. She hadn't said who she'd found, maybe she wasn't close enough yet to see exactly who it was, but I couldn't help but hope. She sounded excited, so maybe... maybe it was Mark. And if she was excited and it was him, maybe, just maybe he was okay.

But then I heard something else. Somebody was... I paused for a second to listen. Swearing. There was a lot of swearing. And something else. I couldn't quite make it out.

I started running again and I saw Arizona just ahead of me. She was running further ahead. I could see another clearing. Sort of. It wasn't really a clearing but the other part of the plane, the part that had split off had landed here and cleared a big chunk of space. There were trees everywhere. And not just in the way that they were all over the forest. They were actually everywhere. The plane crashing down had cleared a lot of space and as a result there were trees lying all over, some piled one on top of the other like dominoes. Others were split into two or three parts. Some of the trees that had snapped were absolutely massive and I could see from here the cracks where they'd been split from their trunks. Arizona disappeared into the clearing. I ran faster to catch up.

"Lexie, don't. Just. Stay over there," Arizona called out. She sounded... sad. "Just... stay over there." She sounded like she was crying. That did it.

"Arizona, are you -" I stepped out from behind the trees and looked out at her. And that was when I saw it. She'd found Derek. The thing making all the noise was Derek pushing at the wing of the plane. It had broken off, just like the trees had broken.

Confused, I ran towards them. What the hell was he doing? Had he lost his mind? I wouldn't have been surprised. Not because of anything to do with Derek, but just because of the situation. I was about to lose my mind too. There was no explaining how incredibly weird and awful this all was and I didn't know how much more of it I could take.

But when I got a little closer I started to wish he really had lost his mind. Because he wasn't just trying to move the wing of the plane for no reason, he was trying to move the wing of the plane because Mark was trapped under it. The wing had fallen on top of his legs and had probably crushed them. He looked so... I don't know. Not like himself. Usually he was this big, all encompassing force. Or at least that's how it felt to me when we were in the same room. But now? He looked wrong. He looked... Oh, god, he looked...

Dead. He looked dead.

I stopped running. Stopped moving. Stopped thinking. Stopped functioning at all. He was dead. He was dead. I could repeat that as many times as I wanted but it wouldn't make it any different.

And then Derek looked over at me. He looked at me and he didn't need to look at Mark. He knew. He just knew. He didn't say anything, but tears started streaming down his face. I don't think I'd ever actually seen him cry before.

Arizona cocked her head to the side, like she didn't get it. She took a few steps towards Mark and then she saw it. She didn't say anything. She didn't cry, either. She just stood there, staring at him, like she expected him to wake up or something.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I spun around, away from the person that used to be Mark and wasn't anymore. He wasn't anything anymore. "Fuck!" I started walking around and around like a circle had been printed on the ground and following the pattern would make everything better.

I wanted to scream, but I didn't. Instead, I just started rambling. "I cannot believe this! I cannot believe this is happening. And no, before either of you say anything, it's not because I expected him, after what I said, to be all, I love you too, but... he can't be dead. It's not allowed. He can pick somebody else, he can marry somebody else for all I care, but this isn't allowed. I can't do this." I stopped pacing. I felt like I was going to be physically sick. I turned and for the briefest of seconds, looked at him. I wanted it to be like you hear about it being in the movies. Like he was just sleeping. But I knew better. I'd seen death too many times. It wasn't like that at all. His skin was colorless. Like all the blood was gone from it. There was no movement, none. He was too still. There was no life there at all. And sleeping people, they look alive. The dead look, well, dead. A part of me, a teeny tiny part of me hoped that maybe he wasn't. That maybe, if I could just gather up enough courage to go and get close enough to him to reach out and touch him and check for a pulse that maybe I'd find one. That maybe he wasn't actually dead, not yet. But that part of me was overruled by other, more powerful emotions. Like shock. And anger. And sadness. And an insanity that might not ever go away. Because how fucked up was this?

Derek sighed. "Lexie..." He looked tired, exhausted. He looked like he'd just lost his own brother. Which, really, he pretty much had. I tried to keep that in mind, I really, really did. But I just couldn't quite bring myself to care. I wasn't sure I'd ever be capable of caring about anything ever again.

"What? What? Okay, what? Please, please don't tell me he was in love with me and just hadn't said so yet. That makes it so much worse. That makes it unbearable. To know that I came this close," I held up my hand with my fingers pinched together to illustrate my point. "To know that I came this close to having everything I ever really wanted only since I couldn't get myself together soon enough, couldn't gather up my courage soon enough, it didn't work out. Not that it would have mattered anyway because we'd still have been on that damn plane and he would still be here, crushed under it!" I stomped over and kicked the plane wing, hard. And then I screamed. Not because Mark was dead, but because Mark was dead and I'm pretty sure I just broke my foot by kicking the plane wing that crushed him. Because, you know, kicking an inanimate object totally taught that inanimate object a lesson. I totally didn't just break my foot for no reason. Just like Mark died for no reason. No god damned reason at all. I spun around and started hopping around like a rabbit and grasping at my foot. And I kept screaming. Now it was for Mark. Because he was dead. He was dead. I was in love with him and he was dead. What the hell was that? What the fuck was wrong with my life?

I stopped screaming and went back to talking excessively. "My mom dies, George gets hit by a bus, there's a shooting at the hospital where I work, my brother-in-law nearly dies and a whole bunch of people I knew actually died and now, just when we finally all got over it, we get into a plane and it crashes! And then Mark, the man I thought I would spend my life with dies. And not even for something that meant anything." Then, after I had vomited out all of the words I could think to say I did this ungraceful sort of spin and flopped to the ground.

Nobody said anything for a good thirty seconds and then I heard a dead man speak to me. "Really?"

I twisted around to see Mark staring at me. "Really?" he said again. I wasn't sure which emotion was stronger, my embarrassment over how much of that he heard or my pure, unadulterated joy that he was alive.

The joy won out. And then sheer panic killed it. I just sat there, staring at him. I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging open, like a gaping fish taken out of the water.

"Lexie." That broke me out of it.

"Uh-huh." I crawled on hands and knees over to him. I laid down on my stomach so I could look right at him.

He closed his eyes and I panicked all over again. I was about to start screaming when he opened them. "Lexie," he said again.

"What? What? Anything, just..." I gulped, trying to remember that breathing was a thing I should keep doing. "What?"

"I'm not going to marry anyone else, okay?"

What? "Whatever, okay? Just don't talk. Just..." I looked up at Derek and opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I just stared at him. And he stared back. We both knew that there wasn't anything we could do.

"Okay, we have to..." Arizona bit down on her lip like her intention was to make herself bleed. She was trying to keep her calm, but it wasn't really working. "We have to get this off of him." She started to look around for things we could use to do that, but Derek just shook his head.

"That's not a good idea."

"You were trying to do exactly that when I got here!"

"I know, but..." he drew in a long breath and let it out slowly. "If we take it off of him, we don't know what will happen. And we have nowhere to take him if that makes it worse." He waved his arm out like he was showing us something important. "In case you haven't noticed we're in the middle of the forest!"

"I know." Arizona sniffled, blinking back tears. She walked over to him and put a hand on his arm, the only kind of comfort she could really offer him.

I didn't say anything. Derek was right. But... at the same time, we had to do something, didn't we? And then it hit me. There was something we could do. And it was a pretty simple thing. Actually, once it occurred to me I felt like a complete idiot for not having thought of it immediately. "Has anyone thought to look for a cellphone?"

Derek and Arizona both looked at me like simultaneously they thought I was a genius for thinking of something so brilliant and they thought they were both morons for not having through of something so obvious.

I got to my feet slowly. My foot still hurt like hell but after I tested it out a bit I realized it wasn't actually broken, I'd probably only sprained something. "I'll go back to where the main part of the plane landed, it's not too far. I can look for a phone and maybe some other supplies. Arizona, you should go get Cristina and Meredith, bring them here. It's better if we're all in one place, right? And Derek, you should stay here with Mark."

"Lexie." Mark spoke so quietly I barely heard him. I bent down on one knee so I could hear him better and tried not to groan as I realized I was now unintentionally putting all my weight on my bad foot. "Stay."

I nodded and looked over at Derek. "I'll go. I walked past it before," he said. He looked over at Mark one more time and took off running towards the other half of the plane.

_A/N: Please leave a review! I love reviews. _

_And now, here is a teaser for the next chapter! _

_"I'm not in love with her, okay? I'm not. I wanted to be." He shuddered visibly and I wanted to do something to help. Anything. I couldn't even imagine the kind of pain he must have been in and... and all I could do was sit there and watch. I couldn't help but feel like all my training was completely useless. All the things I'd spent so much time learning and what good was any of it?_

_"Just, don't talk okay? Just... conserve your strength. Don't..."_

_"Shut up, Lex. I have to say this. I don't want to die here but if I do I want to know I said my piece."_

_I rolled my eyes, but let him continue. _

_"I'm in love with you. I don't think there's anything else at this point. It'd be easier if I could be with someone who..." he paused and for a moment went completely still. I had to fight the urge to scream. "Someone who wants what I want. But that doesn't work because all I really want is you."_

_I couldn't help it. The tears escaped. They started dribbling down my face and I couldn't help it. I'd wanted him to say that for longer than I wanted to admit. But not like this. Not here. I hastily swiped my hand across my face, trying to stop the tears. It didn't help. They just kept coming. _


	3. Unbreakable

_A/N: A good song to go with the beginning of this is "Harder than Easy" by Jack Savoretti. A good song for the end is "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne. Other then that... thanks for all the reviews and stuff! And thanks particularly to MusicWritesMyLife, Cyncortez2010 and In-A-Parallel-World for your wonderful reviews! It really means a lot to me!_

**Chapter Three: Unbreakable**

"You know..." Mark said slowly, like he was trying to decide if he really wanted to say anything or not.

"No."

"What? You haven't even heard what I'm going to say yet."

"I know it's going to be something to do with your imminent death and no. Because you know what? Not going to happen. You're not dying. We will be rescued and you will be fine and... and..." I looked away. "You'll be fine, okay? Death is not allowed."

I looked over at him just in time to see him making a face like he was trying not to scream. I tried not to think of why. "Lexie... shut up. Just shut up, okay?"

Now I was the one making a face. For about the thousandth time in an hour, the word "what?" crossed my mind. This time, however, I didn't say anything.

"I'm not in love with Julia. I'm not. I wanted to be." He shuddered visibly and I wanted to do something to help. Anything. I couldn't even imagine the kind of pain he must have been in and... and all I could do was sit there and watch. I couldn't help but feel like all my training was completely useless. All the things I'd spent so much time learning and what good was any of it?

"Just, don't talk okay? Just... conserve your strength. Don't..." I tentatively reached out, wanting to touch him, comfort him, but my hand dropped limply to my side as he shuddered again. It was stupid, but I felt like maybe that might do more harm than good. Like maybe if I touched him he'd break into a thousand tiny pieces and cease to exist at all. I felt tears pricking at my eyes and I blinked furiously to keep them at bay.

"Shut up, Lex. I have to say this. I don't want to die here but if I do I want to know I said my piece."

I rolled my eyes, but let him continue.

"I'm in love with you. I don't think there's anything else at this point. It'd be easier if I could be with someone who..." he paused and, for a moment, went completely still. I had to fight the urge to scream. "Someone who wants what I want. But that doesn't work because all I really want is you."

I couldn't help it. The tears escaped. They started dribbling down my face and I couldn't help it. I'd wanted him to say that for longer than I wanted to admit. But not like this. Not here. I hastily swiped my hand across my face, trying to stop the tears. It didn't help. They just kept coming.

"I..." I sucked in as much air as I could and I swiped at my face again. I felt like I was about to break in two, but now was so not the time. I let out a long breath and closed my eyes. "I love you." It was all I could think to say.

"I know, you said." I didn't have to look at him to know he was smiling.

I moved so I was sitting a little closer to him. I grabbed his hand in mine and held it tightly. He didn't break into a thousand pieces when I touched him and I let out a sigh of relief.

Neither of us said anything else until Arizona returned with Cristina and Meredith. Cristina was half carrying, half dragging Meredith.

"Derek's not back yet?" Arizona asked.

I shook my head. "No. Maybe that means he found something."

"Derek?" Meredith asked hopefully. I looked at her, confused. Hadn't Arizona told her he was okay?

Arizona turned to Meredith. "He's fine, remember?"

Meredith nodded slowly, like she just forgot she'd been told that already. She looked back towards the other half of the plane and then looked down at her leg like she was contemplating something.

Cristina rolled her eyes and huffed. "You can't go after him. And I'm not dragging you there. It took an eternity just to drag your ass over here and it wasn't even that far." Then, like she hadn't noticed before, Cristina looked over at Mark and her mouth dropped open. "Oh. Shit."

"Thanks, Yang." Mark muttered.

"No, I just..." Her voice was soft and quiet. "Oh. Shit." Then a sign of the apocalypse happened. Cristina Yang started to cry.

She sank down to the ground so slowly it was almost like it was in slow motion. Carefully, Meredith sank down with her. "We're all going to die here." Cristina spoke so softly I almost didn't hear her.

Meredith reached out and started rubbing Cristina's back to try to calm her down but Cristina slapped her hand away. "No! No, Meredith! We're all going to die here! It's been hours! Hours and no one has come looking for us! No one has come looking for us!" She was starting to get hysterical.

"Cristina? I need you to stop. If you don't, I am going to slap you as hard as I can." Meredith crawled over so she was sitting right in front of Cristina. "Stop crying."

Cristina didn't stop crying. Actually, she started whimpering. So Meredith slapped her, the sound resonating in the otherwise complete silence of the forest. Almost immediately, Cristina stopped crying.

"Thank you," Cristina said quietly.

"No problem," Meredith said with a macabre smile. "I've wanted to do that for years."

Cristina smiled just a little.

Then there was a rustling in the trees and we all turned to face it. A few seconds later, Derek came charging through the forest with a duffel bag stuffed full on one shoulder and raised in the air in his other hand was a cell phone.

"I found one!" He cried out when he saw us. "I found one!"

Then, when he got a little closer and saw Meredith he dropped the duffel bag and quickly stuffed the phone in his pocket. He gulped. "Meredith."

She smiled. "Yeah."

He walked towards her slowly and when he reached her, he smiled this big, crazy smile. "You're...okay. I can't..." He blinked slowly, like he couldn't believe she was really there.

"Well, mostly." She looked down and pointed to her leg. She stood and it took longer than it would have normally. "I broke my leg." She looked him over carefully, looking for injuries and smiled when she didn't see any. "But you're okay."

He nodded. "Yeah." Then he looked over at me, and at Mark. "But..."

Meredith half turned to look at us. She didn't say anything, she just nodded. She turned back to Derek and hugged him so tight I think his face started to turn a little red from lack of oxygen. He hugged her back just as tightly.

I hated to admit it, but I hated them just a little right then. Meredith was my sister and Derek had become like a brother to me, but it wasn't fair. They had each other, they had a kid together and they were both fine. It wasn't fair. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ever wish that either of them were in my place, but I wished I had what they had.

Mark squeezed my hand. "Lex."

I turned to face him and tried to look like I wasn't currently being overtaken by a little green jealousy monster over my own sister's good luck and like I wasn't a terrible, horrible person for feeling like that. "Uh-huh?"

He looked over at them and said, "I'm sorry. We should have that."

I was silent for a second before I said, "We will." He looked at me then and I knew we would. It didn't matter what was happening now, we would. In the future, we would have what they had. We would be together and this time, nothing would break us apart. We would be unbreakable. Nothing else mattered.

He squeezed my hand so hard I'm not sure something didn't break. I let out a quick gasp and he loosened his grip a little. "No, no, it's okay. I don't mind. Really." I pursed my lips to stop myself from letting out another gasp. It didn't matter how much it hurt. If it helped, even a little, it didn't matter. He squeezed my hand again. I didn't make a sound.

His face crinkled up and he screamed. "It's okay, it'll be okay, you'll be okay..." I whispered. He closed his eyes and I started to cry. I put my other hand on his shoulder. "Mark? Mark, look at me, hey... please..." He didn't open his eyes. And he stopped squeezing my hand.

"No, please, just..." I moved my hand up from his shoulder to his neck. There was a pulse, but barely. He wouldn't last much longer like this.

Behind me I could hear Derek fumbling in his pocket for the cell phone he'd found earlier. Nobody said anything.

And that was when I heard it. Everyone else heard it too, I'm sure. The spinning of helicopter blades. Everyone started screaming. I didn't turn to look but I assumed they were jumping around and waving their arms. I didn't dare move an inch.

The wind started to pick up, blowing dust and leaves everywhere. I looked up to see a helicopter circling above us, preparing to land. And then a voice, an unnaturally loud voice rang out, "Please move behind the plane." I leaned over Mark, not moving my hand from his neck and the only proof I had he was still alive. I wasn't sure if they meant me or not, but no way I was going anywhere.

The others ran over to me and stood behind me. I didn't think about it much, but I guessed that was what the man in the helicopter meant because a moment later the helicopter landed in the empty space where the others had just been standing. I looked up just enough to see several people getting out of the helicopter. A second later, two more arrived, hovering over the scene. There wasn't enough space for them to land, so they just hung there, blowing up dust and leaves and making it near impossible to hear much of anything.

I did manage to hear Derek say, "We have two dead," and for a second I thought he meant Mark, because he wasn't dead, not yet, but then Derek kept going. "And one critically injured." I realized then that no one had mentioned the pilot. The stewardess was dead and I guessed that the pilot was too. Derek kept going. "One broken leg and the rest of us are fine. Just cuts and bruises."

A man came over to me. He didn't say anything for a moment then, "Ma'am?" I didn't say anything, just looked up at him. "Ma'am?" he said again, this time pointing to Mark. I understood well enough that he wanted me to move out of the way so he could see better. I moved, but kept my hand where it was.

The man called everyone else over and they started talking about what to do. Eventually, they settled on a plan. There were five of us, four minus Meredith since she couldn't exactly put a whole lot of weight on her bad leg, and four of them. If we all worked together we should be able to lift the plane wing up long enough to get Mark out from under it. But, and at this point they all looked at me, that meant they'd need my help. And that meant I'd need to move. I knew that their plan was a good plan but at the same time, I almost fought them on it. I didn't want to have to be separated from him. What if... no. I couldn't let myself be torn up about it now. It was not the time. So, I took a deep breath and moved my hand away from his neck. But before I got up and we started to move the plane, I had one thing I had to do. I leaned in close one more time, so my body was nearly on top of his and I kissed him. I couldn't exactly say anything, with everyone gathered around like that, so a kiss would have to do. It was stupid, but I couldn't help but hope that maybe he'd know. That he'd know he had a reason to stay here, to not give up.

I got to my feet and was instructed on what to do. Everyone else lined up at the edge of the wing, ready to push it up. It was my job to drag him out from under it. One of the paramedics called out "three, two, one!" and they pushed.

The plane wing didn't move. Not an inch. Again, the man called out, "Three, two, one!" This time they managed to move it just a little, but not enough. A second later the man called out again, "Three, two, one!" and they pushed again. This time the wing lifted up just enough. I acted quickly, grabbed Mark by the shoulders, and with much effort and some cursing, dragged him out.

I tried not to look. I really did. But I saw. I wish I hadn't because I knew, I just knew that three second look at his crushed body would fuel my nightmares for months, maybe years. As soon as I got him out, they dropped the wing and the paramedics swarmed in and shoved me back. I wanted to do something, I was trained for this sort of stuff, right? But... I didn't move. I couldn't move. The others took several steps back and gathered together in a tight group and watched. We all just watched. Nobody said anything. Nobody did anything. We just watched as they ran back and forth, grabbing things from the helicopter, shouting to each other over the noise about what to do next. After a few minutes, once they'd done all they could, they put him on a stretcher and loaded him up into the helicopter.

The helicopter was about to take off when Meredith called out, "Wait. She should go with you." I assumed she meant me. One of the paramedics looked like he wanted to argue, but Meredith gave him a look and he clearly decided they'd get going faster if he didn't argue. That, and I'm pretty sure I looked about as pathetic as you could get with my cheeks coated in dried tears and sitting like a useless lump on the ground. He nodded and I got up and got into the helicopter. As it took off, I looked down at the others and watched as they got smaller and smaller as we got farther and farther away. Once the helicopter I was in had pulled up and was starting to fly away another one landed. Everyone looked like they were about the size of an ant by now but I saw people moving and getting into the now tiny looking helicopter before it took off. That was the last I saw of them before they were too far away for me to see at all.

A minute later I crawled down off my seat and sat on the floor of the helicopter, next to Mark. I reached out and for a second, didn't do anything, just let my hand hover in the air. Then, tentatively, I put my hand on his neck. I sucked in a sharp breath as for a second I felt nothing. But it was there. Slow and weak, but it was there. He was still alive. Barely. _Please_, I thought, I couldn't bring myself to speak in front of complete strangers right now, _be okay. I need you to be okay._

_A/N: Please leave a review! I love reviews!_

_And now... next chapter's teaser!_

_The paramedics started talking to each other, something about getting us out. I just sat there, not moving, not making a sound. One of them gently touched my arm and said, "Ma'am? You're going to have to move now. We have to move him." I just shook my head. I wasn't going anywhere. _

_"Ma'am? Please move," said the paramedic. I shook my head again. I didn't want to move. The paramedic shrugged his shoulders and grabbed me under my arms. He pulled me up onto the seat next to him and held me there. The other one started moving the stretcher out. There were doctors standing on the roof, waiting, but I didn't recognize them. I fought against the man that was holding me back, but I couldn't get free and he wouldn't let go. I had to sit there and watch as they took Mark inside. "I'm going to let you go now, okay?" the man said. I nodded. The second his hands released my arms I jumped up and got out of the helicopter. I could see now that we were in Seattle, but I had no idea which hospital we were at. I stumbled forward a bit and wrapped my arms around myself. It was dark out now and the cold breeze in the air plus the wind being whipped up by the helicopter's still spinning blades was making me cold._

_A few seconds later the other paramedic returned with someone else. This time it was a face I recognized. Jackson. _


	4. Past Tense

_A/N: As always, thanks to my beta, idealskeptic :) A good song for this chapter is "Closing In" by Imogen Heap. Also, this chapter was really hard to write! I think I've rewritten it about six times now. The details of it have been impossible. I actually have two entirely separate versions of this chapter. Largely because of Meredith and her broken leg. I didn't know what to do with that. But then when I finished writing I had to split this chapter up into two chapters! I hope you like it! And please review!_

**Chapter Four: Past Tense**

The helicopter landed on the roof of a hospital some time later. I wasn't sure about how much time had passed or where specifically we were. I hadn't moved an inch the entire flight and I was pretty sure the paramedics were afraid of me. Or for me. Either one. Or maybe both. I'd tried saying something a few times, but the only thing that came out was a random assortment of noises.

Mark hadn't woken up, hadn't made a sound the entire trip back. The paramedics tried to reassure me that that was perfectly normal, perfectly fine but I knew that already. Like I didn't know that already. I wanted to say as much, but I only got as far as pointing at my scrubs and mumbling. They stopped trying to talk to me after that.

The paramedics started talking to each other, something about getting us out. I just sat there, not moving, not making a sound. One of them gently touched my arm and said, "Ma'am? You're going to have to move now. We have to move him." I just shook my head. I wasn't going anywhere.

"Ma'am? Please move," said the paramedic. I shook my head again. I didn't want to move. The paramedic shrugged his shoulders and grabbed me under my arms. He pulled me up onto the seat next to him and held me there. The other one started moving the stretcher out. There were doctors standing on the roof, waiting, but I didn't recognize them. I fought against the man that was holding me back, but I couldn't get free and he wouldn't let go. I had to sit there and watch as they took Mark inside. "I'm going to let you go now, okay?" the man said. I nodded. The second his hands released my arms I jumped up and got out of the helicopter. I could see now that we were in Seattle, but I had no idea which hospital we were at. I stumbled forward a bit and wrapped my arms around myself. It was dark out now and the cold breeze in the air plus the wind being whipped up by the helicopter's still spinning blades was making me cold.

A few seconds later the other paramedic returned with someone else. This time it was a face I recognized. Jackson.

The man patted Jackson on the shoulder and nodded over at me. Jackson nodded and the man came running towards the helicopter. He ran right past me and got back in the helicopter. The helicopter's door slammed shut and the helicopter took off, leaving me alone on the roof with Jackson.

He ran over to me and crushed me in a hug. I wanted to do something, knew I was supposed to do something but I just stood there, wobbling like a rag doll. "I'm glad you're okay," he said. He took a step back and looked me over. Once I passed his inspection, he held out his hand and without a word, I took it. He led me inside and we walked down a few floors to a dark and empty on-call room. It registered somewhere in my mind that this was my hospital and I'd been in this on-call room before. He dropped my hand and went to sit on the bottom bunk of the bed. I followed. I sat down sideways on the bed and folded my legs up under me. Jackson turned to face me but he held his head down.

Then he looked over at me and for a moment, I thought maybe he was going to start to cry. "So," he said in a low voice, "Meredith called just before you got here. Said they'd be here soon. They're all okay. I was here already, so..."

I gulped and licked my lips. They were dry and cracked, but I hadn't noticed until now. I wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure I could remember how to speak. It took a minute but finally I said, "Did you see him?" My voice sounded funny, like it wasn't my voice at all. It was soft and flat and it cracked halfway through what I said.

Jackson nodded slowly. He didn't say anything, but he reached for my hand. He squeezed it and I shuddered. Instantly, he dropped my hand and put both of his in his lap.

"You..." he started but stopped. "No, of course you're not okay. That's a stupid question to ask."

I just shrugged. I didn't know how to explain to him that what set me off was him squeezing my hand. My hand still hurt from earlier, but mostly it was just... Mark. It was weird now, someone else squeezing my hand.

I leaned back a little and let out a long sigh. It was weird. Sitting here with my ex-boyfriend and worrying about someone else.

"Do you... do you want to talk about it?" Jackson asked tentatively. He moved a little bit closer to me and I flopped backwards on the bed. I hung my head over the edge of the bed, letting all the blood flow to my brain. I wondered if maybe that'd make my brain actually function because right now, it wasn't working right at all.

After about a full minute of complete silence I said, "He said he loves me."

So quietly I could barely hear him, Jackson said, "I know." He cleared his throat and attempted to speak a bit louder. "I don't mean I know he said it, but I know he felt it. I saw him. And you."

I wiggled back up onto the bed so only my hair was hanging over the edge. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

I didn't move, but I looked over at him. "I should have warned you."

He shrugged and stared at a spot on the wall. "I should have known better. I knew he was in love with you the whole time. He sent me to talk to you, you know. Told me you'd open up if I gave you candy."

I couldn't help but smile. "Of course he did." And then I started to cry. Again.

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up, huh?" He looked down at me and it only made me feel worse. Jackson was such a genuinely good guy. We were broken up, I was crying over someone else and here he was anyway, comforting me.

"No, no, I just..." I looked away. "I just... I don't... I can't..." I let out a sob. "I should have... I..."

Jackson reached down and brushed my hair out of my face. "This shouldn't have happened. But there was nothing you could do."

Those words created a burning wave of panic that flashed through me. I sat up and had to fight to keep from losing whatever was actually in my stomach at this point. "Wait, wait, please, you don't mean..."

"No, no, that's not..." Jackson put a hand on my shoulder. "I don't know what's going on, but he's..." he paused, clearly having trouble with the words, "still alive, as far as I know."

I took a few shaky breaths and nodded. I shifted in the bed so I could lean my head back against the wall.

Neither of us said anything else until about ten minutes later when his phone started beeping. He took it out of his pocket, looked at it for a moment and said, "The others are here. They're just putting Meredith in a room." A second later he got another text, I assume telling him the room number. "Room 1272. Do you want to go?"

I nodded. We got up off the bed and walked down a few more floors to the room Meredith was in.

We found Cristina and Arizona sitting out in the hall. Derek was in the room across the hall with Meredith. He held her hand while a resident started fixing her leg. The resident looked bored by having to do it and I wanted to walk in there and slap him and tell him he had better pay close attention to what he was doing. I didn't recognize him and maybe that's why he was doing it. Because he didn't know any of us personally.

I sat down next to Cristina and Arizona and Jackson sat down on my other side. His hand brushed my forearm and I shivered. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything. He hadn't done it on purpose.

A few seconds later, Owen came running in. He looked like he'd been here all day. I was about to ask Jackson if he was, but Jackson just nodded, answering my question before I asked it.

Owen looked over at Cristina and after a moment he started gasping, like he couldn't breathe. He just stood there, staring at her and nobody said anything. Cristina got up and walked over to him slowly. She put both her hands on his shoulders and looked him right in the eyes. "I'm fine and I'm not going anywhere. I promise," she spoke slowly and calmly. He just stared at her and kept gasping like he couldn't breathe. I wondered how he managed to remain standing, huffing like that. "I promise," she said again. She kept staring at him with this resolutely calm expression on her face and after a few seconds, he started to calm down. She led him over to the row of chairs where everyone else was sitting and pushed him down so he was sitting. She sat on his lap facing him and kept staring at him like she had been. She leaned forward so her forehead was touching his and he let out a long, shuddering breath. He wrapped his arms around her waist and she wrapped hers around his neck. They stayed that way for a few moments before she dropped her arms and flipped around in the chair. She leaned back into him and tried not to smile. He kept his arms firmly around her waist and buried his face in her hair. She looked over at Meredith, who by this point was getting the cast put on her leg and nodded at her. Meredith nodded back.

I sucked in a breath of air. Everyone was having these moments. Everyone else was together. Except me. I was completely alone because the man I loved was in an operating room and for all I knew, he could have been dead by now. Nobody had told me anything one way or the other. I sucked in another breath of air and for a few seconds I didn't exhale. What was I going to do if he wasn't okay? I'd tried to move on. More than once. And I hadn't been able to. Something always drew me back to him, I couldn't explain what it was. Trying to learn to be without him was like trying to learn to breathe underwater. It wasn't something I was capable of doing. But before at least he'd always been there. We hadn't been together, not for a long time, but he'd always been there. Alive. Breathing. It was probably cliche, but I couldn't list the things I'd give up just to see him be alright. Beside me I could feel Jackson staring. I knew he was concerned, as a friend, but I didn't know what to say to him. Or to anyone.

That was when Alex, followed by April showed up. Alex looked confused, like he didn't really know what he was doing there but then he saw Arizona. The two glanced at each other but didn't say anything. I thought back to what she'd said about wanting to beat him up for having made her take his place on the plane and with the look on her face I wasn't sure she wasn't going to. When she didn't move, didn't get up, didn't say anything, Alex's face fell and he looked almost sad. No, it was more of a guilty look. That was it. He felt guilty. I would have bet a hundred bucks no way he was going to Hopkins now. Quietly, he took a seat as far away from Arizona as he could and looked at anything but her. She cracked her knuckles and glared at him but said nothing.

April immediately sat down on the other side of Jackson and, without a word, took his hand in hers. She started running her thumb over the back of his hand and he smiled. At her. If it was weird talking to my ex-boyfriend and missing someone else, this was weirder. In the back of my mind I wondered when they'd become a thing. I'd never really talked to April much, but she was his best friend and she'd always seemed like a nice person. A little high strung, maybe, but nice. I looked behind them over at Alex, who was sitting a seat down from April. He saw me, looked at them and shrugged. I guessed he didn't know either.

Shortly after that, Callie showed up with Sofia on her hip. She strode right over to where Arizona was sitting and started checking her over for injuries and demanding she get checked out immediately. Arizona nodded vehemently and reassured her that she would get checked out but also that she was fine. Callie hefted Sofia up so she was on her side, got down on her knees and kissed Arizona. When they finally broke apart Arizona smiled but then she started to cry. April got to her feet and offered to take Sofia and Callie handed her over. Callie moved in to hug Arizona but Arizona shook her head and pointed over at me. Callie looked over at me and all I wanted to do was hide. I didn't want to have to talk to Callie. Callie was Mark's best friend and I knew she felt as bad about all this as I did. I shrank back into my chair, tucking my feet up under me and wrapping my arms around my waist. Callie turned back to Arizona and shrugged like she didn't understand. That was when Arizona said, "No, you don't understand. They... She..." Arizona hid her face in Callie's shoulder and started mumbling things I couldn't hear from where I was sitting. Callie looked at me like she'd never seen me before. "Of course he was." She looked like she was about to start going on a rant but then she let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry, Lexie."

Of course, that exact moment was when Julia showed up. "What happened?"

No one said anything. So Julia asked again. "What happened?" She ran her hands through her hair. "He's not here." She looked around frantically. "I ran all over the hospital looking for you guys. And he's not here. Please tell me why he's not here." She took a step back and looked around again. "I saw on the news that this plane crashed. And then I saw that it was the plane coming from this hospital and going to Boise and he told me he was going to Boise today and then I saw on the news that the survivors had been brought back here and..." She looked over at me, like she was begging me for an answer. "Where is he?"

I couldn't say anything. I just stared at her. I hadn't thought of this part. What was I supposed to say to her? Sorry, he's in love with me and not you, but he's probably going to die anyway so don't worry about it?

Jackson cleared his throat. "As far as I know, they've got him in surgery."

"Surgery?" Julia's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What's he doing working right now?"

I put my hand over my eyes. "No, he means that Mark is _in_ surgery."

"What do you mean?"

I kept my hand over my eyes. "As in being operated on right now." I moved my hand from my face and looked at her. She looked like I'd just kicked her puppy. Or, you know, told her that her boyfriend was injured enough to have to be operated on.

"What happened?" She raised her hand to her mouth and stared at me like out of everyone gathered here I was the only one with the answers.

"I don't think you actually want to know." I wanted to look anywhere else at that moment, anywhere else but I couldn't tear my eyes away from Julia's. Her eyes were wet and shining with tears and worry was carved into every inch of her face - worry that was steadily being taken over by panic.

"You mean... what you said last week... He felt the same."

Felt. She said felt. Past tense. I shuddered. It was not past tense. He was not past tense. I wanted to shout at her, but instead I said, "You mean... you heard me?"

Julia's face hardened then. "Of course I heard you. I was standing twenty feet away! Not that either of you noticed."

"But... you..." My head hurt. So, she'd heard another woman profess her love to her boyfriend and just walked up like nothing had happened?

"Yeah, I know." She ran a hand through her hair and looked away. "I was hoping that maybe, since he hadn't said anything, we could just pretend it didn't happen. I didn't think he would pick-" Julia was cut off by Callie firmly placing her hand on Julia's shoulder. I hadn't noticed, but Callie was now standing behind Julia and she had a scary, menacing look in her eye.

"You know, I really don't think this is the time or the place for this sort of a conversation," Callie said forcefully.

Julia turned around and looked Callie in the eye. "You know what?" Julia straightened her shoulders and stood up a little taller. I wasn't entirely sure a fight wasn't about to break out. "You're right," Julia said. She sounded so completely heartbroken as she spoke that I couldn't help but feel bad for her. After all, it wasn't her fault. It's not like she'd known. Or, if she had figured it out before last week, well, what was she supposed to do, really? It was a bad situation all over and I did not want to think about what I would have done had he told me that he loved her and not me. And she wasn't even getting to hear it from him.

She looked over her shoulder at me for a moment, sizing me up. "I hope he's okay," she said. "If he asks about me, tell him... tell him I wanted to dump him anyway." And with that, she left. She walked out with her head held high and nobody said anything to stop her.

I couldn't help but smile at Callie. I'd always thought she didn't like me much. "Don't get me wrong, Little Grey," Callie said. "I'm not on your side. I'm on Mark's side. But if he loves you, then fine." I rolled my eyes. She was so on my side.

_A/N: I know not a lot actually happened in this chapter, but I wanted to give all the other characters some things to do. And I want to give Lexie more to do. Something I noticed writing this is that aside from Meredith and Derek, Lexie doesn't really have a lot of friends anymore. She mostly just has boyfriends, or ex-boyfriends. I want to do more with her character. But don't worry, there will be more Mark and Lexie soon! :) _

_And now, the teaser for the next chapter!_

_And that was when I finally lost it. I'd barely been holding it together to that point, but for whatever reason that exact second was my breaking point. All the walls came crashing down and I lost it. I started to cry, softly at first with big, fat tears running down my face but soon I started to sob and shake like I'd lost all control of my body. The only thing I had any control over was not screaming. I pursed my lips together to keep the sound from getting out. Some part of me knew that this was a hospital and I should at least try not to make that much noise. There were people trying to sleep. People trying to rest. I should try not to scream. I had to settle for muttering curses instead._

_"Cry all you want, but I'm still not going anywhere," he said, trying to make a joke. He tried to smile, but it came out all wrong. Too many sharp angles. "But I have to warn you, I'm really no good with crying women." That just made me cry more._

_"Come on," he said gruffly. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me away. I didn't pay much attention to where until we got there. He'd dragged me down to the beds in the hall in the basement. I crawled up onto one of the beds and curled myself up into a ball. I made a point of taking up as little space as I possibly could, like maybe if I took up almost no space at all I would cease to exist and I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore. Alex got on the bed and sat behind me. He pushed my hair out of my face and started gently rubbing my back._

_He didn't lie to me, didn't try to tell me it would all be alright, he didn't say anything. He just sat there and rubbed my back as I cried._


	5. Waiting

_A/N: So chapter five picks up immediately after chapter four ends. And, as much as I hate to be this person, come on, guys. I got like 6 reviews last chapter. I know more of you are reading this than that. More of you have subscribed to this than that. So please take five seconds and review! Otherwise I'm going to take that as meaning you think this fic isn't any good. Also, to be more positive, thanks to MusicWritesMyLife, BekaRoo, In-A-Parallel-World, LexieMcSteamy and Jime-GA-Lover for reviewing all the chapters! You guys are wonderful._

_Aaaand that's enough from me. On with the story!_

**Chapter Five: Waiting**

I looked into the room across the hall at Meredith and saw her cast was all finished up and the resident was about to leave. She looked out into the hall and said, "Come here." I looked over at Cristina, and for a second, wasn't sure which one of us she meant. Cristina gave me a look that said she clearly wasn't about to go anywhere, so I got up and walked over to Meredith.

"Hey," I said. It was all I could think to say.

"Hey," she said back. She leaned her head back into her pillow and yawned. I looked over at her IV and absently wondered what she was on. I didn't ask.

"Are you okay? Can I get you anything?" I asked. I looked over at Derek. "You?" I didn't really know exactly what I was doing. I knew I was speaking and I knew what I was saying but I felt like I was on autopilot. Suddenly, I felt very, very tired but at the same time, I knew I wouldn't actually be able to sleep. I was afraid to sleep.

"No," she shook her head. "I think I'm just going to try to sleep," she said. Her eyes were already starting to close. She fought to keep them open, but it didn't last for long. Derek leaned in and gave her a kiss. "I'll be back soon." She nodded, her eyes still closed. He walked out into the hall, leaving me alone with her. Carefully, so as not to wake her, I grabbed the blanket from the foot of the bed and pulled it up over her. "I'm glad you're okay," I whispered. She didn't hear me, of course, but I didn't need her to. I just needed to say it out loud. With things the way they were, I didn't think I'd be able to handle it if something particularly awful had happened to her too.

I walked out into the hall just in time to hear Derek saying, "Does anyone know anything about Mark? Has anyone said anything?" He looked over at me and I looked over at Jackson. Jackson shook his head. "Not really, no."

Derek hung his head for a second and I could see in that moment just how hard he was fighting to keep it all together. He raised his head a second later and said, "Then I'm going to go track down whoever is doing the surgery and get some answers out of them." He looked back at Meredith and almost smiled. Almost. "I'll tell you when I find out anything." He looked at me then he looked at Callie and, without saying anything else, walked off.

"I'm going to go get in on the surgery," Callie said abruptly.

Arizona got to her feet and walked over to Callie. Delicately, she put a hand on Callie's shoulder. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Oh, please." Callie rolled her eyes. "Rules or not, no way they're not going to need me on this. Who else are they going to get to do it? No way am I letting someone less talented than me fix up his bones. They'll do it wrong." She walked over to April, who, up to this point had been completely silent and looked entirely out of place. Callie grabbed Sofia and gave her a big kiss on the top of her head. "Okay, baby. Mommy's gotta go fix Daddy." She tried to say it with bravado, like she was making a joke, but there was a crack in her voice. She cleared her throat and blinked hard a few times but didn't say anything about it. No one else did either.

Arizona grabbed Sophia out of Callie's arms and said, "How about I walk up there with you?"

Callie nodded and they walked off arm in arm, Arizona holding Sofia against her hip with her other arm.

Cristina yawned and elbowed Owen in the ribs. His head was lolling back against the chair with his mouth open and he was drooling a little. She elbowed him again, this time adding a grunt and he woke up with a start. He looked frantic for a second before realizing that Cristina was still sitting on his lap. I'd almost forgotten they were there at all, they'd been so quiet. "I want to go home now," she said to him plainly. He nodded and covered his mouth to hide a yawn. She got to her feet and walked over to the doorway of Meredith's room. She smiled, just a little. Owen walked over to her quickly, like he was afraid to be separated from her for too long. Like she'd disappear into a puff of smoke if he wasn't touching her. He grabbed her hand in his and pulled her away from the door. She spun to face him and smiled. Without a word to anyone, they left.

That left me, Alex, Jackson and April sitting in the hall. "Umm... uh... um..." April mumbled. I looked over at her and couldn't help but wonder what exactly she had to say. "Umm..." She looked over at me with these big, sad puppy dog eyes and I couldn't help but sneer at her. I did not want to be pitied right now. "Uh, Lexie, umm..." she stammered. Jackson nudged her with his shoulder and she stopped talking. He said, "Do you need anything?" I could see how tired he was, how tired she was. They'd never say so themselves, but I could tell how desperately they just wanted to find a bed somewhere and lay down in it. Probably together. But unless I told them to they'd stay here all night.

So I shook my head and said, "Go home."

Jackson made a face. "What? No. I'm not leaving you here alone right now."

I turned to face him and looked directly at him. "Please, just go home. I'll be fine. I'll text you if anything happens."

Jackson opened his mouth to argue when I scowled at him and pointed towards the end of the hall. He paused a moment, trying to decide if he should do what I said or not, so I pointed again. "Please. Go."

"Fine. But only because you're so adamant about it." He got to his feet and April followed. She still had her fingers intertwined with his. "We'll see you tomorrow, okay?" she said as they walked away. I just shrugged. I knew it wasn't true, but at this point I was feeling so twisted and turned around that I wasn't entirely sure I'd still be here tomorrow.

That left me and Alex sitting alone in the hallway. Apparently today was just my day for spending time alone with ex-boyfriends. Or, well, whatever it was me and Alex had been.

As soon as Jackson and April were out of earshot, Alex moved over so he was sitting right next to me. "Liar." He had this grim look on his face. I didn't like it.

"Okay, what?"

"You're too nice. And you're not fine. Or if you are, well, then I'd be even more concerned for you."

"You don't have to watch me, you know." I looked down at my shoes. Anything to avoid the pitying look I was sure Alex was giving me.

He reached out and put a hand on my knee. "Yes, I do," he said quietly. "And don't bring it up again, okay? I know I'm an ass, but I'm not so much of an ass that I'd leave you completely alone right now."

And that was when I finally lost it. I'd barely been holding it together to that point, but for whatever reason that exact second was my breaking point. All the walls came crashing down and I lost it. I started to cry, softly at first with big, fat tears running down my face but soon I started to sob and shake like I'd lost all control of my body. The only thing I had any control over was not screaming. I pursed my lips together to keep the sound from getting out. Some part of me knew that this was a hospital and I should at least try not to make that much noise. There were people trying to sleep. People trying to rest. I should try not to scream. I had to settle for muttering curses instead.

"Cry all you want, but I'm still not going anywhere," he said, trying to make a joke. He tried to smile, but it came out all wrong. Too many sharp angles. "But I have to warn you, I'm really no good with crying women." That just made me cry more.

"Come on," he said gruffly. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me away. I didn't pay much attention to where until we got there. He'd dragged me down to the beds in the hall in the basement. I crawled up onto one of the beds and curled myself up into a ball. I made a point of taking up as little space as I possibly could. Like maybe if I took up almost no space at all I would cease to exist and I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore. Alex got on the bed and sat behind me. He pushed my hair out of my face and started gently rubbing my back.

He didn't lie to me, didn't try to tell me it would all be alright, he didn't say anything. He just sat there and rubbed my back as I cried.

_A/N: Here is the__ teaser for the next chapter!_

_I just stood there for a moment after that, shocked into complete silence. What exactly had just happened? Had I just agreed to be friends with someone? Thinking about it, I couldn't remember the last real friend I'd had. I had Meredith and Derek, sure, but that wasn't the same. They were family. But outside of work and my family, I hadn't had much of a social life in a long time. I'd just gotten so caught up in work and then things with Jackson, and then he and I broke up and then..._

_I felt a surge of nausea as my brain turned back to the unavoidable topic. Mark. He had to be alright. He just had to be. If he wasn't, someone would have told me about it by now, right? But... what if they just hadn't been able to find me? I looked around and noticed for the first time how completely, absolutely deserted the basement was. Maybe nobody had been able to find me. I'd lost my phone in the crash and Alex had his but it wasn't like anyone would call him about Mark and nobody but nobody would have expected Alex to be with me and..._

_I shook my head. I'd get a shower later. First and most importantly, I had to find someone who knew something. I had to know one way or another. I put a hand over my mouth as a wave of nausea hit me. And then I'd find a garbage can and throw up into it. _


	6. Almost Normal

_A/N: So, for the first time ever I did some research and put in some medical details. I don't know anything about this stuff though so if I got some of it wrong, please tell me! The perfect song for this chapter is "Electrical Storm" by U2. Also, as always, thanks to my beta IdealSkeptic for being awesome and betaing something for a fandom she isn't even in, and thanks to In-A-Parallel-World, MusicWritesMyLife, BekaRoo, vanillaXtwilight, Slexielover, aine94, and LexieMcSteamy for reviewing! The rest of you lurkers totally suck. ;)_

**Chapter Six: Almost Normal**

Blood. Everywhere. It was everywhere. His blood. I was covered in it. I turned around and there he was, lying there, staring at me with these blank, dead eyes. I screamed. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed and nobody heard me. Nobody was there, just me and him. Then I heard him calling my name. "Lexie." I turned away, wanting to avoid looking at him anymore, but as soon as I spun around, there he was again, his body broken and coated in blood. And those eyes. Staring right at me and at the same time not seeing me, not seeing anything. "Lexie." I closed my eyes, thinking maybe that would stop me seeing it. It didn't. The image of his broken body hovered inside my mind like a sick and twisted movie stuck on repeat. "Lexie."

I jumped awake and suddenly wished I wasn't, nightmare or not. Every part of me ached, and I felt like I hadn't had anything to eat in days and there was this terrible smell - I paused a moment and sniffed my shirt. The terrible smell was me. I shuddered and then let out a groan. I needed three things. One, a shower, two, a really, really big cup of coffee and three, I needed to find somebody who knew something about what was going on.

"Hey."

I spun around to see Alex lying pushed up against the wall. There was a good foot of space between us. I almost couldn't believe that not only had he held me for hours as I cried, but he'd stayed here the whole night. He was a better person than he let on. I rubbed the last bit of sleep from my eyes and said, "You're still here?"

He rolled his eyes and sat up, still making a point of not touching me. "I tried to leave a few times, but you kept screaming whenever I tried so I stayed."

"Oh." I looked away from him and instead started staring at my scrub bottoms. There were fraying threads and the hems were torn. I absently wondered how that had happened since these had been new last week. I supposed it was from the crash, which, in that moment, felt like an odd thing to have happened. That the crash wrecked my scrubs. "Thank you."

"Listen," he said. He cleared his throat and looked down at his knees. "You don't... have a lot of friends. I..."

"Gee, thanks, Alex. Just kick a girl when she's down." I sat up and jumped off the bed. I landed with the bulk of my weight on my bad ankle and had to bite down on my lip to keep from yelping. Alex, not noticing this, put a hand on my arm to keep me from leaving.

"No, I mean... " He let out a long sigh. "Neither do I, okay? I realized yesterday, I don't either. That needs to change."

I leaned back against the bed and Alex dropped his hand from my arm. "So, does this mean you're staying in Seattle?"

"No, I was planning on leaving after everyone I know was in a horrible accident," he growled.

I turned to face him and gave him a sharp look. "How about we just agree not to snap at each other from this point on, huh?"

He nodded and grunted, "Sure."

I ran a hand over my face. "What time is it?"

Alex reached into his pocket for his phone. A second later he said, "A little past 11:30."

"In the morning?" I sank back a bit. How was it possible for me to have slept that much and still feel completely exhausted? But then I didn't actually know what time we'd been found, what time we got back, or how long I'd lain here crying last night. I didn't actually know how much sleep I'd gotten.

"No, at -" he stopped short. "Yes."

I couldn't help but start laughing and before I could explain why, he asked, "What's so funny?" He sounded concerned and I really didn't like that. I couldn't help but fear that he thought just because I'd freaked out before that that was all I was capable of now. I knew it wasn't really like that, he was probably just concerned, which was nice, but I didn't like it all the same. I stopped laughing just to prove I could and to show that I hadn't lost my mind. I said, "I forgot, the only form of communication you have is snapping at people."

He didn't say anything for a second, then, "Yeah, whatever." He was silent for another second before he jumped off the bed and landed next to me. "You smell terrible," he said.

"Thanks," I grumbled. It wasn't like it was untrue, but it certainly wasn't necessary. Did he think I hadn't noticed that myself?

He shrugged. "Go take a shower and I'll go check up on everyone else. When you're done, meet me in front of Meredith's room." He started to walk off down the hall when he stopped and turned around. "And get something to eat before you go. And get me a coffee. And a bagel."

My mouth dropped open and I tried to say something, anything, but before I could think of anything suitably insulting, he turned and walked away again.

I just stood there for a moment after that, shocked into complete silence. What exactly had just happened? Had I just agreed to be friends with someone? Thinking about it, I couldn't remember the last real friend I'd had. I had Meredith and Derek, sure, but that wasn't the same. They were family. Outside of work and my family, I hadn't had much of a social life in a long time. I'd just gotten so caught up in work and then things with Jackson, and then he and I broke up and then...

I felt a surge of nausea as my brain turned back to the unavoidable topic. Mark. He had to be alright. He just had to be. If he wasn't, someone would have told me about it by now, right? But... what if they just hadn't been able to find me? I looked around and noticed for the first time how completely, absolutely deserted the basement was. Maybe nobody had been able to find me. I'd lost my phone in the crash and Alex had his but it wasn't like anyone would call him about Mark and nobody but nobody would have expected Alex to be with me and...

I shook my head. I'd get a shower later. First and most importantly, I had to find someone who knew something. I had to know one way or another. I put a hand over my mouth as another wave of nausea hit me. And then I'd find a garbage can and throw up into it.

I walked up two flights of stairs before realizing I hadn't actually gone to the bathroom in more hours than I could count. I ran up the last flight of steps to the first floor and sprinted to the nearest bathroom.

It was when I was washing my hands that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw for the first time just how awful I really looked. My hair was a mess, it was jutting out and standing up in all sorts of weird angles and it was tangled so badly I didn't even know if I could untangle all of it. I turned my head to the side and saw I still had a bit of blood dried to the side of my face from a long, shallow cut I'd long since forgotten was even there. My scrubs were coated in dirt and big patches of what I could only assume were dried tears and snot. There was dirt on my face and neck and probably everywhere else too.

"If I don't shower before I see anyone else, they'll think I've lost my mind," I said, thinking out loud. I tried my best to wash the dirt off of my face with the hand soap and paper towels in the bathroom, but it didn't do much good - now my face just looked all red and raw. I shut my eyes and turned away from the mirror and with a deep breath I turned around and leaned back against the sink. This was going to suck. It was late enough in the day that there would be people in the hospital by now, and not just doctors and patients but visitors. I was currently on the first floor and I had to get to my locker and the showers in the locker room on the fourth floor. There was no way I was getting there without being seen. I took another deep breath, bolstered my courage and walked outside. Anyway, who knew? Maybe everybody would be so busy with their own stuff that they wouldn't even notice me.

I didn't get five feet from the bathroom door when I heard April call out, "Lexie! There you are!" I turned to face her and scowled. So much for people not noticing me. The second she yelled out everybody within a ten foot radius turned to look - normally they would have turned right back around seconds later but this time they stared. At me. Probably because of what a disaster I looked like and probably because some of them knew I was one of the people that had been in the plane crash.

"April, hi," I said. I tried to sound friendly, I really did. But I did not want to be seen right now - especially by my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend.

"We've been looking everywhere for you! Nobody could find you anywhere!" She rushed over and reached in to hug me and immediately thought better of it. "Wow, you... need a shower." She paused a moment and looked me over. "You know, I've got a private bathroom in my..." She stopped what she was saying mid-sentence and gulped. "I don't have an office anymore. Because I don't have a job."

I was about to say something about that when she perked up and put a big, fake smile on her face. "But you don't need to worry about that. We need to get you -" I cut her off. "A shower, I know. That's what I was going to go and do."

"Right," she said. She nodded, that big, fake smile still plastered on her face. She started carefully leading me towards the elevator.

"Please stop," I said.

She looked at me but kept going and kept leading me forward. "Stop what?"

"This... whatever you're doing right now. Just.. act like you would normally act, not like..." I pointed at her face, her fake smile and that panicked look in her eyes. "This."

"Oh," she said, her voice cracking just a little. "I'm sorry I just... I don't know what to do here."

"That's fine," I said with a shrug. "Just... stop smiling like that." She hit the button for the elevator and we stood there, waiting for it. It was too quiet so I said the only thing that came to mind. "So you and Jackson, huh?"

That cranked the panicky, deer-caught-in-the-headlights look up about ten notches. Immediately, I wished I'd never said anything at all. "Oh, um, yeah. We sort of got together when we went to-", I held up my hand to stop her. "I don't really need the details."

"Oh," she said and again, her voice cracked. Finally, the elevator dinged and the doors opened. For a split second I felt immensely happy, that is until April got in the elevator and hit the button for the fourth floor. I sighed and got in before the doors closed.

It was silent up until about the third floor when April said, "I'm sorry for what happened."

I nodded. Now I didn't know what to say. What was I supposed to say to that? So I went with saying nothing and then, an eternity of awkward silence later, the elevator reached the fourth floor and the doors opened. I stepped out and started walking towards the locker room. April followed.

I'm pretty sure we would have continued with not speaking to each other except that halfway to the locker room we saw Jackson attempting to beat up a vending machine.

"Hey," I said. "What are you doing?"

He turned to look at me, his face a seething mass of anger and rage. He looked over at April and his face instantly softened. "It ate my money," he grumbled. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked back at the machine. "Stupid thing is broken." He kicked it one more time for good measure and stalked across the hallway to stare at it while leaning against the wall.

April started fishing in her pockets for something and soon pulled out a few crumpled dollar bills. She pushed past Jackson and put the money in the machine. Without asking him what he wanted, she selected two bags of Doritos, like she already knew that was what he'd been trying to get. The machine made its' usual assortment of noises and kicked out two bags of chips. She walked the few steps over to him and handed him one of the bags. "Here. See, easy solution to an uncomplicated problem." He smiled and seemed almost a little bit embarrassed. "Thanks," he said.

April held the other bag up in front of me. "Do you want these?" I shook my head and she popped the bag open. "So not food you should eat before noon," she muttered as she started picking out a chip at a time and popping them in her mouth.

Then my stomach growled, betraying my hunger. "Actually..."

April just nodded and gave me a handful of chips. I stuffed them in my face in two seconds flat and swallowed them almost whole.

I was apparently hungrier than I thought.

"Here." April shoved the rest of the bag at me and before I had the chance to protest she walked back over to the machine and bought some Reese's Pieces Peanut Butter Cups. She handed them to me without a word.

I wanted to refuse them, but my stomach growled again and made up my mind for me. I ripped open the package and stuffed one of the delicious chocolate and peanut butter cups into my mouth. I'd always loved candy, but I swear nothing had ever tasted better in my entire life.

We all stood there silently for a few minutes, me and Jackson stuffing our faces with junk food and April awkwardly watching us. I wasn't sure if she just wasn't all that hungry or if she'd run out of money to buy more snacks, but I didn't say anything.

"So... Lexie..." Jackson said as he shook the crumbs out of his bag of chips. "How are you doing?"

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "Of the two of us, I'm not the one who was just attacking a vending machine."

He raised an eyebrow at me and stuffed the chip crumbs in his mouth. He swallowed and then said, "That's not an answer."

I shrugged. What was I supposed to say? That I only fell asleep because I'd worn myself out crying and sobbing? That I'd had nightmares and apparently had been screaming all night long?

"Torres told me the first surgery went well. She didn't get to do it, but she watched from the gallery. They managed to reduce the pressure and the swelling and -"

I held up a hand and shook my head. "Please, I..." I couldn't handle hearing it. I'd spent the past I didn't know how many hours just praying somebody would tell me something and now that somebody was, I couldn't handle it. "Please, stop."

I couldn't stop picturing it, either. Somebody taking a scapel to him, cutting him open. I shivered, the feeling starting at the base of my spine and travelling up.

"They saved his legs. He's okay." Jackson spoke quietly but with confidence, or that is he did until he added. "So far."

I looked up at him and opened my mouth to speak. It was a few seconds before I managed to find words. "So, they..." I tried to think, tried to focus but it wasn't coming to me. I knew what it was they did for crush injuries. I'm sure I made a ridiculous face, but I didn't care. Why couldn't I remember? Not to overstate my skills, but I remembered everything I read. How could I not remember this? I closed my eyes and tried to remember something I'd read about it.

I licked my lips and scowled. Why couldn't I remember?

"Lexie?" April asked. She sounded concerned, but then, April always sounded a little concerned.

"Uh-huh?" I asked. I didn't bother to look at her.

"Lexie, I..." Jackson started but trailed off.

"No, just..." I shook my head. I opened my eyes but looked down at my feet.

"What is it?" April asked. I saw her, or rather I saw her feet, take a step closer towards me. I sidestepped away from her.

"Just give me a second, I'll remember it," I said. I was determined. Why couldn't I remember? It was an obvious thing.

"Remember what?" April asked softly.

"Crush injures usually cause..." I said slowly. I hoped maybe saying it out loud would help me remember, but it didn't.

"Compartment syndrome," said April, speaking a little more loudly. I think now that she knew what my train of thought was, she was a little more comfortable with the situation.

"Right." Of course. That was obvious. That was so obvious. But if it was so obvious, why did I not remember what you did for that? "Compartment syndrome, when that severe, is fixed by..." Again I hoped saying it aloud would help me remember, but again, it didn't.

"A fasciotomy," April said. She leaned against the wall next to me, but didn't touch me.

"Right," I said. I could both feel and hear my voice crack. I could feel yet more tears surging to the surface because apparently, somehow, I still had more tears to shed. They'd had to cut open his legs because if they hadn't, the muscles and tissues in his legs could have died, and he could have easily been paralysed. Still could be, probably since that probably wasn't the only problem. I almost wished I hadn't started thinking about it. I almost wished that when I hadn't been able to think of it I'd just left it alone. I gulped. They'd had to cut him open. I watched as the tears fell from my eyes and splattered on my shoes. They'd had to cut him open.

April slowly, gently, put a hand on my shoulder. I had been angry at her on and off - but mostly on - since she'd run into me downstairs. Really though, she wasn't a bad person. I could see, if I thought about it, what Jackson saw in her. She was awkward and nervous, but she was also sweet and kind.

I didn't say anything. April didn't say anything. Jackson said something. "It'll be okay, Lex."

I looked up at him and desperately wanted to believe he was right. He believed he was right. I could see it in the earnest, determined look on his face. He believed it. I couldn't.

"You don't know that," I said. I shook my head. "You don't know that." Still not saying anything, April wrapped her arm around my shoulder. I let her.

Jackson's earnest, determined look didn't falter. "Do you want to see him?"

I gulped. I didn't know if I could handle that.

April squeezed my shoulder and said, "We'll come with you."

I sniffled and suddenly realized something I'd somehow managed to forget. I still needed a shower. I said as much. "Can I shower first?"

April laughed. "Of course."

We walked down the hall to the locker room and I went in and took my shower. I wanted to enjoy it, the hot water felt so unbelievably good, but all I could feel was nervous. I didn't want to see Mark. I wanted to just go away, go away and pretend this wasn't happening until Mark was better and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Of course, I couldn't do that. If I just up and left right while things were tough, well... I'd done that once before. I wasn't about to do it again. So I finished my shower, avoided looking in the mirror and seeing all of my cuts and bruises in the bright, garish lighting of the bathroom and changed into the spare clothes I had in my locker as quickly as I could.

I walked back out into the hall to find Jackson and April still waiting for me. I couldn't help but smile just a little and feel like maybe, just maybe, I wasn't totally alone after all. Maybe I did have some friends here.

They got to their feet at the same time and Jackson said, "Ready?"

I shook my head no but said, "Yes."

We walked in silence back to the elevator and took it up a few floors. The silence continued until we got close to Mark's room. "It's just up ahead," April said. I nodded and looked over at Jackson. That earnest, determined look had faded a bit and there was now fear mixed in with everything else.

He stopped short a few rooms after that and I looked back, confused.

"It's the next one over," he said. He looked away. The fear was cracking through everything else now.

"You're not coming?" I asked. I let out a long sigh. I didn't want to go alone. I wasn't sure I could handle it.

He shook his head and raised his hand to his face. "I've already..." He dropped his hand back to his side. "No. I'll wait here."

I looked over at April and she just shrugged. I hung my head for a second but took a step forward. Then another. And another.

One more step and I was standing in front of Mark's room.

I stood there for a good thirty seconds outside the door, unable to look or to walk in. "Go on," April said from behind me. I bit my lip and nodded. I turned so I was facing the doorway and looked up.

He looked better than I thought he would have.

He looked almost normal. Almost. I hadn't really been able to see what exactly his injuries were... when we... when we were out in the woods, but the plane wing had done the most damage from just above his knees down. I shuddered. It had looked like it had crushed all of him, when I saw him trapped there like that. It could have been so much worse.

From just above the knees up, he looked almost completely normal. From just above the knees up, he looked like he was asleep. From just below the knees... his legs didn't look like they were quite the right shape. They were covered in bandages and I tried not to picture just what it looked like under those bandages.

He'd survived the first surgery, but I knew there would be so many more. I held back a gasp at that thought and took a step into the room. Then another and another until I was standing by his bedside. Tentatively, I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair. I sat down in the chair next to the bed and cautiously, slowly, ran my thumb over the IV in the back of his hand.

Touching him, just touching him, was a huge relief. Everything was still a disaster but there was one thing. He was still alive.

_A/N: Please review! I like everybody else here love reviews. They make my day. _

_And now for the teaser for next chapter!_

_"You want to be with him, huh?" Meredith asked. _

_"I..." I shrugged. "I was just there." I put a hand over her hand. "I should spend some time with you."_

_Slowly, she drew her hand out from under mine. She patted my hand with hers then folder her hands in her lap. "I'll be fine." _

_She said that, but I couldn't help but feel bad about it anyway. _

_"Go. I'll see you tomorrow."_

_I got to my feet and walked to the door but lingered. I had a lot of things I suddenly wanted to say to her, but I couldn't seem to figure out how to express them. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, that I was glad she was my sister, that I was happy I had a sister who understood me, who could read me like the things I felt were written on my face in bold print. All I managed to say was, "Thanks." I hoped she understood what I was trying to say with that. I suspected, maybe, she did._


	7. Awkward Silence

_A/N: As always, thanks to those of you who actually review this! I had a totally different song picked out for this chapter, but then idealskeptic linked me to some Mumford & Sons. And "To Darkness" is the best song ever for this. Really, go listen to it like right now. And then check out more of their stuff 'cause it's amazing._

_Also, UGH. Sorry this chapter took so long. It's actually been done for a while but I started house sitting on the 1st and the house where I'm housesitting has no internet! Seriously. NO. INTERNET. How do people even survive like that? I do not understand. So, right now, I am at my parent's, using their internet so I can actually get things done, like post this._

**Chapter Seven: Awkward Silence**

About an hour later a nurse came in to Mark's room to check on him and I left before she could say anything. I didn't think this was all so terribly important that she'd be curious or interested in any of what was going on, but I didn't want to chance it that she might start asking me all sorts of questions I just couldn't handle answering right now. So, with one last glance back at Mark, I left.

That was when I remembered it. Alex. I was supposed to meet him well over an hour ago.

I sprinted down the hall to the elevator and pushed the button for the fifth floor. I impatiently tapped my foot as I waited for the doors to open. It felt like it took forever, but probably only took a few seconds. I continued tapping my foot while I stood in the elevator. There was another woman, either a patient or she was visiting a patient, in the elevator and I was pretty sure from the look on her face that she wished I'd stop making noise, but she didn't say anything, so I didn't stop. I was honestly more concerned about Alex. Would he even still be there? I had a good reason for forgetting, but still. I couldn't help but worry just a little, tiny bit.

It hit me then that I was worried about what Alex Karev thought of me. I shook my head and laughed out loud. That was weird. That was really, really weird. The woman in the elevator took a step forward and pressed the button for the next floor and a second later the doors slid open and she stepped out. I couldn't help but wonder if she'd intended to get off on that floor in the first place, or if she'd just gotten off to get away from me.

I arrived on the sixth floor seconds later and made a mad dash for Meredith's room. I saw Alex sitting and either reading or pretending to read, a book. He looked up when he saw me coming and scowled.

"Where's my food? I've been here for over an hour," he groused.

"Oh, um..." I was confused. Had he seriously wanted me to bring him food? I'd completely forgotten about that. Well, of course I had. I had hardly eaten anything myself. I was about to tell him how ridiculous that was when he rolled his eyes and said, "Relax. I don't actually care that you forgot. Or that it took you an hour and a half to get here."

"I saw Mark," I blurted out.

"Oh," he said, his face quickly growing red in embarrassment. I felt a little twinge of happiness that he now felt bad for teasing me. Not that that had been my intention, it was just the first thing that had popped into my head.

I flopped into a chair next to him. "Yeah, umm..." I started playing with the hem on my shirt, anything for a distraction. "He was... umm..." I gulped audibly.

Alex put a hand on my knee. "You don't have to talk about it," he said. "But I do have to get going. My shift starts in an hour," He paused a moment, clearly not sure if he should say what he wanted to say. After a second he asked anyway. "Will you be okay here?"

I nodded. I looked up to see Meredith staring at me from across the hall. "Should probably..."

Alex looked over at Meredith and nodded. "Right." He got to his feet and started to walk away, but stopped. "Will you be here later?" He sounded hesitant and I couldn't help but think for the second time in several minutes how weird this was. It hadn't been weird yesterday, or this morning, but it was weird now. I hoped it wasn't going to be weird from now on.

"Uh-huh," I nodded again.

"Me, April and Jackson are going out for drinks later. You should come."

I shook my head. "Thanks, but I don't think I'm up for it." I paused and tried to smile. It came out kind of awkward. "But maybe some other time?"

Alex nodded a little too quickly. "Sure," he said. With that, he turned around and walked away.

As soon as he was out of hearing range, Meredith said, "You and Alex are friends now?"

I hung my head for a moment then nodded and walked over to her. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked away. "He's nicer than he lets on."

"I know." I looked over at Meredith to see her smiling at me.

I just nodded. I didn't really feel comfortable talking about that, so I decided to change the subject. "When are they letting you go home?"

Meredith sat up a little bit straighter in the bed and her smile got bright enough to light up the room. "Pretty soon. Derek's just getting all the paperwork signed, actually. Then I get to go home and see my baby."

"Give Zola a big hug for me, okay?" I said. I meant what I'd just said, I really did, but even to me it sounded hollow. I looked over and out the window and I didn't mean for it to happen, but my mind started to drift back to Mark. Now that I knew he was okay, or alive at least, all I wanted was to be near him. I'd run off not ten minutes ago, and already I felt like I needed to be back with him. I just needed to be near him.

"I heard Mark made it through the surgery," Meredith said quietly. I turned back to look at her.

"Uh-huh," I pursed my lips a little. I wanted to be near him, but at the same time, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about the details, or about the surgery he'd already survived because that made me think about the surgeries I knew he still had to face and I didn't want to think about that.

"You want to be with him, huh?" Meredith asked.

"I..." I shrugged. "I was just there." I put a hand over her hand. "I should spend some time with you."

Slowly, she drew her hand out from under mine. She patted my hand with hers then folder her hands in her lap. "I'll be fine."

She said that, but I couldn't help but feel bad about it anyway.

"Go. I'll see you tomorrow."

I got to my feet and walked to the door but lingered. I had a lot of things I suddenly wanted to say to her, but I couldn't seem to figure out how to express them. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, that I was glad she was my sister, that I was happy I had a sister who understood me, who could read me like the things I felt were written on my face in bold print. All I managed to say was, "Thanks." I hoped she understood what I was trying to say with that. I suspected, maybe, she did.

I made it halfway back to Mark's room before remembering that I'd told Jackson and April I'd meet them in the cafeteria. I almost didn't want to go and it was odd, not just that I had somewhere to go, but that I didn't want to. A week ago, I'd been spending most of my time working, talking to Derek and Meredith, and other than that, pretty much just being alone and wishing I wasn't. And now? Now something terrible had happened and I repeatedly had these things I had go and do, things based around seeing other people. A part of me wondered, was it just that before I never really reached out to anyone, or was it just that now everyone was concerned about me because of what had happened? When this all was over, would things go back to the way they were? I didn't want that. I hadn't really seen it, hadn't really allowed myself to feel it, but I had been so very, very lonely. I didn't want to go back to that. I couldn't help but feel like I'd been given another chance here. I didn't want to waste it just spending all my time alone.

Again, my mind circled back to Mark. I knew it wasn't true, but... what if the things he'd said had only been because, at the time, he'd thought he was dying? What if... I shuddered. What if he woke up and decided... What if he recovered, and we tried, but it didn't work? It hadn't worked before. What if this time wouldn't be any different?

I walked into the cafeteria and got in line, still lost in thought. A hand reached out and grabbed my arm and I jumped, actually jumped and banged into the person behind me. I turned to face who'd reached out for me to see April smiling at me, or trying to smile anyway. It didn't quite come out right, like she was focusing too hard on not looking nervous and it didn't quite work. "We already bought you food," she said.

"Oh," I said and nodded. I didn't really have anything else to say other than that. I wished I did, I wished I could talk about something. Anything. Usually, I talked a lot. Usually, I found myself wishing I could learn to just shut up sometimes. But not right now. Right now I couldn't come up with anything I hadn't already said or didn't actually want to say out loud.

She dropped her hand from my shoulder and wrapped it around my hand instead. Slowly, she started leading me over to the table where Jackson was sitting.

We didn't say much, after that. Neither did Jackson. They, like me, were too wrapped up in their thoughts to speak too much. They were dressed in scrubs so I assumed they were working. For a moment I absently wondered if there were any interesting patients, interesting surgeries going on, but I didn't ask.

For most of the next two days, I stayed in Mark's room and only left to shower, change my clothes and occasionally, to eat. Most of the time, people brought food to me. For most of the first day, Callie sat with me. She didn't say much, but I did catch her staring at me from time to time. It was unnerving, her watching me and not saying anything. I couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking, but I didn't have the energy to ask her about it. That, and I wasn't sure I wanted to hear her answer. She'd said before that she would accept it, if Mark wanted to be with me, but now that she'd had some time to think about it, I wasn't sure I wanted to know what she had to say.

For most of the second day, Derek sat with me. We didn't talk much either. I sat there and pretended to read a book and he sat there and pretended to watch whatever was on TV. And I do mean whatever was on TV - at one point he started watching a show about people who drove trucks down icy roads for a living.

I had yet to see Jackson come anywhere near Mark. He'd told me he'd been in here already, that he'd already seen it, and maybe he had, but I wasn't sure.

Mark was asleep the entire time. Not that I expected any different, not that it was supposed to be any different. They had him knocked out on purpose - they wouldn't be able to fix the bones in his legs until they could sew up all the open wounds from the previous surgery and that took around two days or so on average, so they let him sleep through it.

The third day was a hard day. The third day was the day of the next surgery. I had planned to stay as far away from the operating room as possible, but then Arizona showed up and asked me to go sit in the gallery with her and since Callie was the one doing the surgery (which, I think, was what Arizona was so concerned about to begin with) it wasn't like I could really say no. Even if I'd tried, I would have failed. Arizona, with her blond hair and her big, bright eyes and her pouty lips, she'd probably had the perfect sad puppy look down since she was five. I was terrible at resisting the sad puppy look.

We walked silently, awkwardly, to the gallery. We hadn't spoken much, or really at all, since the crash. We hadn't spoken much before the crash either, which was what made it so awkward. What were you supposed to say to someone you barely knew and at the same time had been through a life changing event with? What was I supposed to say? Wouldn't making small talk just make it worse? Make it more obvious that we were both headed to watch people we loved be put through even more pain and suffering? There was nothing to say in that situation. So we walked in silence. We sat down in the gallery in silence and we waited for the surgery to start in silence.

The surgery went perfectly, but that didn't stop me from having a pins and needles feeling all through my body the entire time. Mark had a fractured tibia in his left leg, a fractured fibia in his right leg and a fractured patella in his right leg. He'd be laid up for a while, but Callie had managed to fix everything flawlessly. When the surgery was over, I got to my feet and nearly fell over. I hadn't noticed until I'd stood up, but I hadn't moved an inch during the entire surgery. I was definitely regretting that now.

I looked over at Arizona and saw she was still sitting in her chair, her hands gripping the sides like she was trying to tear the chair apart.

"You alright?" I asked tentatively.

She got to her feet and nodded. A pained expression suddenly crossed her face and she started making fists with her hands and then shaking them out. I bit back a smile. We'd sat through the entire surgery together, but if I was honest, I'd almost completely forgotten she was there. It looked like she'd done the same and like me had focused all of her anxiety not through words or even thoughts but through gripping tight to something. I couldn't help but wonder if she had been more concerned for Mark or for Callie, but I didn't ask. Maybe she'd been equally concerned for the both of them.

"Do you want to..." I started but trailed off. I wasn't entirely sure what I'd intended to say.

"Coffee?" She suggested.

"Right," I said, like that had been what I'd been trying to say. I wasn't sure that it was, but it didn't sound like a bad idea. Besides, I had been sitting my Mark's bedside for nearly three days straight. It was probably a good idea to get some space. It was also probably a good idea to give Callie some alone time with him. Maybe that had been why she'd been staring at me. She had things she had to say that she hadn't wanted me to hear.

I didn't have anything to say to him. I'd said everything when we were out in the woods and my feelings hadn't changed. I was worried that maybe his would when he woke up, but I wasn't about to say that out loud.

_A/N: There is only about one more chapter to go! I think this is the fastest I've ever finished anything, ever. And since the next chapter is the last one, there is no teaser for it! You will just have to wait and see. I will try and get the next chapter posted faster, even though I'm stuck in the house with no internet until the 10th! It is so awful you don't even know. :)_

_And please leave a comment, even if you feel like you don't have anything to say. I love knowing people read and enjoyed the story! And ffn's even put the comment box right under this here, you don't even have to click anything. So, seriously, say something._


	8. Obviously

_A/N: So... sorry this took so long! But.. it's like ten pages long. Does that make up for how long it took? Also, I know you've all been waiting for a super long time for some actual Mark/Lexie interaction. So here it is!_

_Also, this fic is over! It's finally finished! I have really enjoyed writing this fic and there will definitely be more Mark/Lexie to come. The song for the end of this chapter is "Something Good Can Work" by Two Door Cinema._

**Chapter Eight: Obviously**

It wasn't until the day after the surgery that Mark woke up. They'd been slowly reducing the sedatives he'd been on and a nurse told me this morning that he was expected to wake up soon. Of course, I wasn't there at the time. I was down in the cafeteria, eating lunch with Meredith.

Seconds after I finished eating my food I got a text from Callie saying he was awake and asking for me. I shoved my phone in Meredith's face and as soon she got past her confusion she read the text and said one word. "Go."

I nodded and ran for the elevator.

After what felt like two entire lifetimes, I burst out of the elevator and ran down the hall to Mark's room. Just before I hit his room I stopped short and ran a hand through my hair. I hadn't really looked at it today but I was sure it was a disaster. I, less than discretely, raised my hand to my mouth and blew into it. My breath smelled like the beef enchilada I'd had for lunch. I reached for my purse which I was pretty sure had some mint flavoured gum in it only to realize that I'd run out of the cafeteria so fast that I'd left my purse at the table. The only thing I had with me was my phone. I spun around and kicked the wall in frustration. I bit my lip but not before a tiny groan managed to escape. This was stupid. This _was_ stupid, right? Why was I all of a sudden so concerned with how my hair looked or how my breath smelled or that I'd been wearing the same pair of jeans for the past several days in a row?

Mark's voice drew me out of my distracted thoughts. "I thought you said you texted her."

I rolled my eyes at my own stupid behaviour. He wasn't going to care what I looked like. Besides that, he would probably be too high on painkillers to notice anyway. I took a tentative step forward but before I made it to the room I heard Callie say, sounding very annoyed, "Would you like me to go look for her?"

"No, because that would mean you'd have to leave and I don't want you to go," he said.

Callie scoffed. "You know I'm leaving when she gets here anyway."

"Not allowed. I want to have at least two of my four favorite women in my room at all times," he said. There was the unmistakeable, over-the-top cheery tone of someone on really good painkillers to his voice. I had to clap my hand down over my mouth to stop a giggle from bursting out.

"Four favorite women?" Callie asked.

"You, obviously," said Mark. "Lexie, Sofia and Arizona." I could imagine him smiling childishly as he said, "I have so many women." He cleared his throat and said, attempting to be more serious this time, "I demand, as the guy with two broken legs, that you all like each other."

Again, Callie scoffed. This time she didn't say anything.

"Why don't you like her, Callie?"

I could hear Callie's scrubs ruffle as she shifted her weight and she said, "I don't dislike her." It was impossible to miss the hard, defensive edge in her voice.

"Liar," Mark said with the kind of honesty that was usually reserved for the very, very drunk.

Callie let out an exasperated sounding sigh. "If she leaves you... I don't want to have to pick up the pieces again. Or put up with your cooking."

"Hey!" Mark shouted, sounding indignant. "I'm a very good cook." There was a pause, then, "Arizona likes my cooking."

Callie said, again with that sharp edge to her words, "I just don't trust Lexie."

Without thinking about what I was doing I stepped forward into the doorway and said, "Well, I guess we'll just have to work on that."

The look that Callie levelled at me after I said that almost made me wish I'd stayed out in the hall.

Mark didn't notice this. At all. "Lexie!" he called out, impossibly excited at my having shown up. "I missed you."

I let out a tiny laugh. "How long have you been awake?"

"Mmmm..." Mark made a face like he was thinking really hard. "Twenty minutes? But I missed you."

"In twenty minutes?" I laughed a little louder this time even though Callie was still staring at me.

"No," he said, his voice almost at a whisper. "Before."

"I'll take that as my cue to leave," Callie said. She stuffed her hands in her lab coat pockets and walked past me but before she walked away she gave me another heavy look. "We'll work on it," she said.

"Huh," I muttered after she'd walked off down the hall. After all the awkward silence and the glares and her outright admitting she didn't like me, I really hadn't expected that.

"What?" Mark asked, the goofy little kid look firmly back in place.

"Nothing." I shook my head. I'd have plenty of time to think about that later.

"Come here," he said. He crooked a finger at me and stared.

I shrugged and walked over to the side of the bed.

"Closer," he demanded.

He kept staring. I sat down in the chair next to the bed.

"Closer," he demanded again.

I inched the chair forward so it was closer to the bed. "Still not close enough," he said.

I raised an eyebrow at him. The chair was as close to the bed as it could get. "Please?" he asked, close to pleading this time.

I pursed my lips and frowned. I wasn't sure what he wanted.

"Please?" he asked again.

I slid the chair closer, practically crushing my legs against the side of the bed. Awkwardly, I leaned over the bed and put my chin on his shoulder. "Good?" I teased. From this angle I could only see his neck, his jaw and part of his cheek. He smiled and I couldn't help but notice how different his smile looked from this close up. "Perfect," he said.

I laid my head down on his shoulder and almost instantly closed my eyes. From this angle I had much too good a view of his legs. That was a reminder of things I didn't need to be reminded of so I closed my eyes. "I..." I started to say. I didn't want to say this but I felt I had to. "I... I wanted to leave. I was scared. This whole time... I've been... a mess. But I stayed. I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave. No matter what happens, I won't leave."

"Me either." From where I was his voice sounded larger, bigger, deeper. I nudged myself forward a little bit more, the top of my head brushing up against his neck. My legs were starting to cramp up but I didn't dare move, didn't want to.

We didn't speak again after that. I just laid there, my head on his shoulder. After a while, we both fell asleep.

* * *

The next few weeks were exhausting but I tried (and maybe failed a few times) not to complain. Everyone who was in the crash had survived. Everything had worked out. And on top of all of that, I wasn't alone anymore. I had Mark but it was more than that. I had worried that after the immediate trauma of the crash had faded things would go back to the way they had been before. I would go back to not having any friends. That didn't happen.

There was a party the night Mark was released from the hospital. Callie, Arizona, Mark, Jackson, April, Meredith and Derek and I all got together at Callie and Arizona's place and ate pizza and watched a stupid action movie. I didn't really like action movies but Mark had picked it and as it was his party, he got to pick. I got the feeling he was going to be using that against me, the whole 'recovering from a plane crash' thing to get just about anything he wanted. A little part of me was annoyed at that, but for the most part, I didn't care. I didn't care how many stupid movies I ended up watching or how many nights in a row he picked what we'd have for dinner. He'd survived. That was the important part.

* * *

A month later, I was preparing to go out and Mark watched me putting on lip gloss and picking out what earrings to wear from his spot on the couch. He had a sour look on his face and I wished there was something I could do about it.

"Why do you have to go?" he asked.

We were currently staying with Callie and Arizona until Mark was better and we could move into his place. I had gone back to work last week so I couldn't be around all the time, but between me, Arizona and Callie there was usually someone around. He kept trying to convince the three of us that he was fine, he was okay enough to be left alone, but none of us bought that. He had to use a wheelchair to get around but he hated using it, so most of the time he didn't. Most of the time he just laid on the couch and we didn't quite trust him to not try and walk around if left alone.

I gave myself a last once over in the mirror and walked out into the living room. "I told you. We're celebrating April's new job at Seattle Presbyterian tonight. They keep inviting me out and I need to go."

"So you're just leaving me here?" he asked. He tried to smile, tried to make it a joke but it didn't quite work. Originally, I'd invited him along, but that meant going outside in the wheelchair and he hated to be seen in it, even by me.

Before I could respond Callie walked in carrying a grocery bag that I assumed was full of sodas, popcorn and at least seven different types of junk food. "What, I'm not good enough for you anymore?" Callie said with a smile.

Mark scowled.

"I heard you just as I opened the door," she said.

I turned to face her and gave her a look, trying to express that he seemed to be upset again and that I didn't know what to do about it. That was a lot to convey with just a look but Callie seemed to understand. She put a comforting hand on my shoulder and nodded before walking over to the kitchen and putting down her bag. She started pulling food out and it was, like I had suspected, candy, popcorn and diet sodas.

"What movie do you wanna watch?" Callie asked as she put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. She spun around and leaned up against the counter. "I'm thinking something with lots of explosions."

Mark just sort of shrugged and sighed. "You know, I don't really care."

For a split second Callie looked like she was about to start yelling at him before she carefully reined her annoyance in with a deft shake of her head. She looked over at me and asked, "When are you going to be back?"

I walked to the front door and grabbed my purse off of one of the hangers. "Probably not too late, we've all got to work in the morning."

She nodded and smiled just a little. "Should be a good time anyway. The few times I've seen it, Kepner is funny drunk. And I'm betting she gets drunk tonight."

It was weird, but in the month since Mark had been out of the hospital and we'd been staying here, Callie and I... we weren't what you would call the best of friends or anything, but I did count her as a friend now. We'd never said as much but I think she felt the same.

"Probably," I said in response.

"I'll be back later, okay?" I looked over at Mark. He stared at me with a sullen, dark look and I sighed. I raised my hands and opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't come up with anything. So instead I just shook my head, my hair swinging back and forth with the motion.

I shrugged and walked out of the apartment.

At the bar, things were a little better. Or a little worse, I suppose, depending on who you asked.

But for me, it was hard to be depressed sitting at the table with April. She was beyond excited and every time she opened her mouth to say anything it came out in a fast rush of consonants and vowels and things that were only barely words.

"Ihaveajob!" she sing-songed. "Ihaveajob!" She said the words like they were all one word.

Delicately, Jackson extricated a dark brown beer bottle from her grip. "And you've clearly had way too much to drink." He was trying to reprimand her but a smile slipped through the "I'm cutting you off now" vibe he was going for.

She glared at him in her cutesy little way and stole the bottle back from him. Before he could stop her, she downed the rest of the bottle in one gulp. She slammed it down on the table almost hard enough to break it. "Idon't evencare!" she said. "'Cause..."

I laughed and cut her off. "You have a job. You've said."

She narrowed her eyes at me momentarily but ended up smiling. "Whatever." She looked down at the table and noticed the absence of alcohol anywhere nearby. She got to her feet and nearly fell over. "I'm going to get more beers!" she said. She wobbled off towards the bar with Jackson quick on her heels.

Once they were gone Alex slid over so he was sitting next to me. "How are you doing?" he asked.

I shrugged. "It's hard, you know? Sometimes he's fine but other times he gets so... so... just... upset about things and I don't know what to do."

Alex nodded. "I don't really have advice for that. Or for anything, really. But..." He paused and took a long drink of his beer. "Just keep trying, I guess."

I nodded and agreed. What else was I going to do, really?

April came back to the table a few minutes later, another beer in her hand.

"You are going to be so hungover tomorrow," I said. "Isn't that like a bad idea if you're working in the morning?"

"Nope!" she said. She slid into the booth a little too hard and ended up knocking into me. "I don't start till the day after tomorrow."

"Lucky you," said Alex, his tone more than just a little mocking.

Jackson just rolled his eyes and sat down on the edge of the booth.

* * *

A few more weeks and life had almost returned to normal. The plane crash was no longer new, interesting news at the hospital and Meredith was returning to work in a few days. She wasn't really supposed to go back for another week, but she was going to start in three days. She'd been getting restless, staying at home all day, every day. Cristina had been teasing her about how she needed to cut something or else she'd go mad. Meredith insisted she wouldn't go crazy if she had to wait another week but I wasn't so sure.

But overall, at the hospital, things were returning to normal. People had stopped staring at me every time I walked by and all of the bruises and cuts I'd gotten from the accident had long since faded.

But at home?

At home was a completely different story.

We'd just moved back into Mark's apartment the week before and that should have been a good thing. Things were supposed to be getting better, moving forward. Mark had started his physical therapy but it wasn't going well. He kept wanting to push himself, go faster and work harder. He knew better, as a doctor himself he knew better, but as a patient it was like he thought that if he pushed harder and worked at it more he'd get better faster. That was not how it worked, as I, Callie and Arizona all kept telling him and as he himself knew, even if he was pretending he didn't.

One day while we were over at Callie and Arizona's, Arizona offered to drive him to his physical therapy and he made some sharp remark about how he should be able to drive himself and maybe he just wouldn't go and that was when Callie snapped.

"Here," she said, handing Sofia over to me. I took Sofia and to distract myself started making silly faces at her. Sofia giggled her adorable baby giggle and smiled widely.

"I get it. I do. I've been where you are. Literally. But you've got to take this slowly," said Callie. She had her hands on her hips and a stern look on her face.

Arizona, who up to this point had been standing by the door, walked over to Callie. "Callie, come on," she said softly.

"No, no, I will not," Callie took a step towards Mark. He was sitting on the couch and putting on his shoes, pretending he hadn't heard her, didn't know what she was talking about. She walked towards him and kneeled down in front of the couch. "Is the whole being in a sour mood all the time thing really helping? Is it really? If it is, we'll put up with it and I'll shut up. But I kinda doubt it actually makes you feel any better."

Mark finished tying up his shoes but he didn't let go of the laces. He clenched them like if he squeezed them hard enough, they'd explode. He didn't look up at her either. "You don't get it. I was trapped under a plane. I thought I was going to die. That's not exactly something you just get over."

Everyone in the room, except for Sofia who was now busy entertaining herself by sucking on her fingers, was silent. We'd talked about it more than a few times and we'd all naturally assumed he'd been upset because he wanted to be better, wanted to be up and walking around by himself. That was what he complained about, so that was what we assumed. He'd never said...

"I was there too, you know," I said. Sofia struggled in my arms and I shifted my grip on her. I walked slowly, like I was in a trance, over to him. I sat down on the couch and put Sofia down next to me. Still, he did not look up, still kept that death grip on his shoelaces. I reached out and gently, quickly, ran a hand through his hair. "We don't talk about it... we should talk about it."

He straightened up, but still refused to look at me. "I don't want to see a psychiatrist, Lex."

I put a hand on his arm, but he shoved it off. "I don't mean a psychiatrist. I mean... we should talk about it. With each other."

He hung his head and raised a hand to the back of his neck and nervously scratched at it. Callie groaned and got to her feet. She groaned again and rubbed at her knee. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her walk over towards Arizona.

"But what about..." Arizona started but Callie waved her off.

"He'll miss it," Callie said. She opened the door and less than delicately pushed Arizona out of it. She shut the door and we were alone. Or, mostly alone, if Sofia counted against that, which I was pretty sure she didn't.

I dragged Sofia up onto my lap and hugged her tightly. She started to whine and fuss so I put her back on the side of the couch.

"Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night," Mark said. I waited for him to continue and tried not to let my guilt at being able to sleep like the dead show on my face.

"I wake up and it hurts and for a few seconds I think I'm still trapped," he said. Sofia crawled over my legs and made a grabbing motion for Mark. I picked her up and put her in his lap. He smiled, but it was a bitter little smile. He absent mindedly started running his hands through her hair and she giggled.

"And then I feel guilty for thinking about it, worrying about it. Like I shouldn't be feeling this way. I have so much." He looks down at Sofia and kisses the top of her head. He looks up at me and I can see that his eyes are wet, he's almost crying. "I feel like I should be..." He shakes his head. "I don't know. Better than this."

I open my mouth, shut it and gulp. How did I not notice any of this? He'd never said it but... I should've noticed, right? I should've known something was wrong. "I'm sorry," is all I can think to say.

He looks over at me and makes a face, confused. "Why are you sorry?"

"I should've noticed something. You've been dealing with all this and I... I didn't know. I.. haven't really thought about it much. I freaked out, more than a few times those first few days but then... you were okay and... I stopped thinking about it."

He shakes his head and looks back down at Sofia. "I should've told you. Instead I..." He stopped short and I was tempted to reach out and touch him, but I didn't. "I didn't."

This time I did reach out and touch him. I put a hand on his shoulder and he didn't push it off. "Let's just both admit we've handled this badly and move on, okay?"

He nodded and I saw a few fat teardrops fall. They landed on Sofia's head and as soon as they did she raised her hands, exploring her hair, trying to figure out what had just happened. Once she was done with that, she spun around in his lap and looked up at him. He laughed a watery little laugh and sat up a little straighter. He rubbed at his eyes with his hand and said to her, "Sorry about that." Sofia just smiled and shook her head at him. Curious, she put a hand on his face and stared at him. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight.

* * *

I was just finished working and wanted nothing more than to go home and shower. And probably take a long nap. I'd had a long, awful, nasty, dirty shift. The kind that makes for great bad stories later but in the moment makes you feel nothing but dirty all over, even if you've already showered and changed your clothes.

But I had to go and pick up Mark from physical therapy first. I took my phone out of my pocket and looked at the time. I was a few minutes early.

I walked up the stairs and down the hall to the physical therapy room and stood in the doorway, watching Mark standing there, standing there all on his own, just talking to the physical therapist, Jeremy.

A sound something like shock escaped my lips. Mark slowly, very slowly, turned around, saw me and frowned. "I was going to surprise you. I had this whole thing planned, I was going to walk on those-" he pointed over to the bars at the other end of the room "-then walk past them and walk over to you." He took a few slow, shaky steps towards me. I met him halfway. I smiled and wrapped my hands around his neck.

"Sorry I was early," I said.

"Well..." he said, leaning on me slightly. "I still get to do the last part."

"The last part?" I asked.

That was when he leaned in and kissed me.

* * *

Three months after that, everything was just about as perfect as things could get. Almost.

I had a plan.

I'd told pretty much everybody else about it, largely because I was super nervous and probably wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut if I'd tried. So the only one who didn't know was Mark, which was both a good thing and a bad thing. It was a good thing because it was important than he didn't know but it was a bad thing because people, particularly Derek, Jackson, Arizona and Callie, kept staring at him and not saying anything. I even saw Callie doing it. It was now or never.

I was going to propose to Mark.

And now that I was sitting out here on a bench in front of the hospital, waiting for him, I couldn't stop shaking. My leg kept bouncing up and down and up and down. More than a few times in the ten minutes I'd been sitting here someone walked by and looked at me like I must have been an escaped mental patient.

I ran through my plan one more time. I'd gotten the coffees. Check. They were sitting on the bench next to me. I'd started out holding them but I was so unable to sit still that the coffee had started sloshing around inside the cups and spilled out a little bit. So the coffees sat on the bench, where I couldn't touch them. Speech. I rehearsed my speech in my head one more time. Check. I didn't have a ring or anything. A girl proposing to a guy was one thing, but giving him a ring? Not really something I could picture. My plan was to give him his coffee and then ask him. To marry me. Oh, god.

I had not ever been so nervous for anything in my life.

Exactly two minutes and seventeen seconds later - I knew because I hadn't been able to stop checking my phone - Mark walked out of the hospital and over to me. He sat down next to me and groaned. "Ugh," he said. "Sitting down is always the worst part." He'd recovered almost entirely and was finished with physical therapy, though there was, and might always be, a bit of residual pain there. He had on more than one occasion teasingly said I was officially dating an old man. Every time he had made this joke I told him I disagreed.

"And worse than that?" He said as he stretched his legs out. "Everybody keeps staring at me. Usually, I would think it was just for my impossible good looks but this is definitely different."

I laughed just a little too loud and he looked over at me, concerned. "You okay, Lex?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah, um, just fine," I said, my voice about a solid octave higher than it was supposed to be. I reached over and grabbed a coffee with my still shaking hand. "Coffee?" I asked, like it was a super important question. He reached over to grab it but as he grabbed I pushed and it spilled all over. He jumped up and then grimaced. "Ow," he groaned.

I could feel my eyes getting as wide as dinner plates and my cheeks were heating up like they were actually, literally on fire. Instead of proposing to him I'd spilled coffee on him and caused him pain. Just freaking fantastic.

"Oh, my god, I'm so sorry! I didn't, oh crap... talk about doing it wrong. I mean, of course I did, I've been sitting here shaking like a person with a mental disorder for the past ten minutes! Not that you shouldn't have figured it out anyway because I couldn't help but tell everyone and then they've been staring at you. And I've seen it. And Arizona? If you've been wondering why she's been actively avoiding you for the past three days that's because she can't seem to open her mouth without talking about it, so now, of course, everybody knows. Except you, of course, which is a good thing but... that leaves me with actually having to do it and clearly, I just screwed that up."

He stopped hopelessly wiping the coffee from where it had splashed on his scrub pants and looked up at me. He sat down on my other side because where he had previously been sitting was covered in a giant puddle of coffee. "Okay, you're scaring me now. What's going on?" He had this worried look on his face, like I was trying to tell him something awful. I could almost see the gears in his head working overtime coming up with one bad scenario after another.

And that was when I did the worst thing possible. I laughed. It wasn't a normal laugh, oh no, it was a high-pitched yelp of a laugh. Immediately I clapped a hand over my mouth. Could this possibly get any worse?

Mark delicately took my hand from my mouth and squeezed it. "Are you okay?"

I let out a sigh. "This is the single worst proposal in the the history of the entire universe."

Several emotions crossed Mark's face in rapid succession. Relief. Confusion. Joy. "What?" was all he could manage to ask.

I twisted my body so I was facing him. "I've been sitting here, rehearsing a speech. I've been trying to propose for weeks now. I want to marry you, Mark Sloan. Will you marry me?"

He stopped moving and for a second seemed to stop breathing. After a few seconds he seemed to return to himself and said one word, "Obviously." Then he smiled and said, "But do you mind if I change out of these wet scrubs first?"

I smiled and then smacked him on the shoulder. He pretended it hurt. "Well, I didn't mean like right now or anything! I mean, geez, I don't have a dress and you don't have a tux and we don't have rings, or music, or a cake or -"

He burst out laughing. "I don't actually mean we have to do it right now. In scrubs. At the hospital. We'll do this right. Fancy outfits, a gigantic cake big enough to feed a tiny country, crazy flowers flown in from other countries for no good reason, a dance floor outside, a big, fancy band, all of it."

"You've actually thought all this out, haven't you?"

He blushed. "Yes."


End file.
